This New Year’s, rather than sitting around scratching your head, tugging your beard and slapping your mustache trying to think of great big resolutions and corresponding little, tiny loopholes to accompany them, consider using one or more of these pre-made resolutions, complete with not-quite-pathetic instant bail-outs for those times when self betterment and personal integrity just sort of make you feel like a showoff.

Resolution: Hunt down Bigfoot and turn him in for tax evasion.

Loophole: The weather. “I mean, seriously. You expect me to hunt Bigfoot in a (insert weather condition, e.g., cold snap, heat wave, downpour, breeze storm, moon happenstance, etc.)?!”

Resolution: Learn to read minds, use the ability to read the minds of psychics, and then use some of the acquired visions to convince the psychics that you’re a person from the future who’s willing to confirm psychic predictions at a price.

Loophole: The billing. “I don’t know how to format and print professional-quality invoices.”

Resolution: Attack middle school slumber parties while naked and making an “OHH-REE-ROE-ROO” sound in order to create a new urban legend about a naked ghost that makes a sound like “OOH-REE-ROE-ROO” and attacks middle school slumber parties.

Loophole: Fear of the sophomore slump. “I dunno. I’m starting to feel like it lacks the raw pizzazz of the public urination boogeyman urban legend I started in 2009.”

Resolution: Set world record for Most Times Abducted by Aliens in a Single Year.

Loophole: Alien fickleness. “I don’t know how to get them down here. The old peanut-butter-on-the-junk trick isn’t working anymore.”

Resolution: Reanimate a whole bunch of skeletons, train them to play their ribcages like xylophones, and take them out on tour under the name Dob Socket and his Rock-A-Bone Carnivale.

Loophole: Piousness. “Historically, anything that’s gotten as big in Japan as Dob Socket inevitably will has ultimately broken, like, four commandments.”

Resolution: Stop relying on gypsy curses to lose weight.

Loophole: Portion sizes. “Look, as long as this is what Applebee’s is calling a single chicken Caeser salad, I’m going to have to keep spitting on gypsies. And swearing at them.”

Resolution: Build a perpetual motion machine.

Loophole: Ingrained misogyny. “I know it’s wrong, but I just can’t shake the feeling that women are too ugly and stupid to appreciate perpetual motion. Alas, but would my parents have raised me with an open mind!”

Mike from the Bigfoot Discovery Project explains on his latest YouTube video an investigation into a recent sighting. Did Bigfoot make the nest they found? Or was it a homeless person?

Today’s playlist pays tribute to all the elusive, lumbering missing links that have blurred and plaster casted their way into our hearts. Without these mysterious gentle giants, who knows what sort of dead bodies we’d be pretending to find.

• Dan Freyer – “I Still Believe in Bigfoot”

Written in 2002, Freyer’s patriotic paean to both the existence (and proud American citizenship) of Bigfoot has been embraced by fringe media outlets such as Coast to Coast AM and Cryptomundo.com, and remains a well-worn jukebox favorite among Bigfoot acolytes. A note to amateur cryptozoologists: While the song rallies against lumping Bigfoot in with the likes of Sasquatch and the abominable snowman, it also compares him to Dolly Parton and Osama Bin Laden, so, taxonomically speaking, it’s not exactly a peer-reviewed primary source document.

• Tenacious D – “Sasquatch”
In this song from Tenacious D’s beloved HBO series, Sasquatch inspires more than just a hilarious anthem – he inspires a dream. After being jeeringly informed that their belief in The D’s rock star potential is tantamount to belief in the existence of Sasquatch, Kyle Gass and Jack Black find their frowns inverted when the legendary creature shows up to audition for the band.

• Radiorama – “Yeti”

Though not quite a household name, if you like a musical genre called “Italo-Disco,” Radiorama is apparently the cat’s PJs. In this 1987 European club hit from their album “The 2nd Album” (which also features a song called “Aliens”), Radiorama sing a winsome serenade to the majestic monster, pining, “I want your soul and I really like listening to your heart.” Catchy and factual.

• Barry Gray – “The Abominable Snowman”

A British composer best known for writing aurally compelling theme music for all of Britain’s visually unsettling “Supermarionation” shows, including “Thunderbirds,” “Stingray” and “Supercar,” Gray penned this fittingly strange tune for a yeti-centric 33 rpm “Thunderbirds” mini album.

• The Weakerthans – “Bigfoot”

This standout track from The Weakerthan’s uniformly wonderful album “Reunion Tour” is sung from the perspective of a downhearted Canadian Bigfoot enthusiast who, being met with the mocking “doubtful smiles” of skeptic peers, has resigned himself to lonely, silent, but no less fervent, belief. A perfect addition to any Bigfoot hunter’s “rainy day” playlist.

Brett “Amtrekker” Rounsaville is an adventurous man who recently completed a journey whereby he had to tackle 50 life goals before returning home. Read more at Amtrekker.com. He is a special reporter for Weird Things.

After nearly two years wandering America as a homeless vagrant I’m no stranger to the weird. Like a supercolony of Argentine ants poised to take over the world it stretches from one coast to another lurking just beneath the surface. Sometimes you have to dig down a few inches but make no mistake, weird is everywhere, it’s all part of the same colony and sometimes… it comes up for air.

Willow Creek, CA

Willow Creek is only one small town in the vast area of Northwestern California known by locals and those looking to cash in on poor innocent cryptids as “Bigfoot Country.” Despite the fact that the only memorable thing to come out of Bigfoot Country in the last several millennia is 953 frames of grainy, questionable Cine-Kodak footage there is no shortage of speculation about Bigfoot in the area.

I would even venture to say a trip into Bigfoot Country is more likely to end in a sad death at the hands of a Bigfoot memorabilia avalanche than in an actual Bigfoot sighting, yet speculation runs wild and no one is afraid to show you their own representation of Mr. Henderson’s dear friend. So what is it that makes Willow Creek so interesting? Is it the Bigfoot Motel, Bigfoot Bookstore, Bigfoot Rafting Co., Bigfoot Contractor Supply, Bigfoot Dollar Store or (no joke) Bigfoot Podiatry?

Well, yeah, actually, it kinda is…

BUT, in an effort to stay on topic, I want to talk about the Early Bird restaurant. In a world where everyone is out to make a buck off of cryptozoology’s finest creation only the Early Bird is willing to step up and tell it like it is. Sure, they sell a two-patty, foot shaped hamburger…but look at these wall paintings!

Do you see anyone else willing to admit that it was the Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) who INVENTED fire roasted bagels and goose-stepping. (Which, by the way, has some very interesting “missing link” implications for Germany.) And check out that coffee percolator. You think Harry over there just walked into Wal-Mart and picked that bad boy up? Don’t be ridiculous. These are obviously VERY advanced creatures we’re talking about here.

Once my eyes were opened wide by the hallowed halls of the Early Bird I began to see all of the other establishments for what they truly were! Bastions of hate who would stop at nothing to keep the Bigfeet down; spurning what they don’t understand and spreading their message of species-ial inferiority! All the while, the Early Bird stands tall, convention be damned, ever fighting to bring Bigfooted civil liberties to the forefront of society. Starting a conversation, starting a movement!

Or…

Those are some effing weird murals in an already effing weird town.

I bought a milkshake and headed toward Oregon.

I’m done.

Click AFTER THE JUMP for a look at some of the Willow Creek’s finest Bigfoot collectables from shot glasses to children’s puzzles…

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Interim Editor Justin Robert Young interviews the elusive Sasquatch in this short clip. Head to LivingSasquatch.com to make your own video.

Thanks to John Houdi for the tip.

Previously, this week, on Weird Things.

• A few tips for the novice Bigfoot hunter.

• Could the Son of Sam, a UFO investigating Air Force base and the birth of popular science fiction have helped create the Dover Demon?

• Michael Jackson may be dead, but his ghost is on a world tour.

• What happens, when myriad ghosts, have chosen to haunt a house, stop beings polite and start getting real? They say some really kooky stuff, that’s what.

• Rhode Island has never had a Bigfoot sighting, but that might be about to change.

Enjoy the weekend, as always, send weird photos, stories, sounds and happenings to JustinRobertYoung@Gmail.

In this column, we look at two pop-cultural interpretations of ubiquitous Weird legends as portrayed by two narrative television programs… like how Sam Malone on Cheers and Al Swearengen on Deadwood both manipulated the politics of an entire town from behind the counter of a bar. But with monsters. Enjoy.

This week:
“Bigfoot is blurry.”

South Park, Episode 1×03, “Volcano”

The Six Million Dollar Man, Episodes 3×16 and 3×17, “The Secret of Bigfoot”

Bigfoot has always occupied a unique place in the pantheon of American cryptids. And I use “American” very deliberately here to suggest that, while sasquatches and yetis and abominable snowmen are found (and feared) the world over, Bigfoot is a specifically American cultural institution. Even the name “Bigfoot,” a simple, almost cute, descriptive moniker, suggests what ultimately seems to be the larger mystery that Americans wrestle with when they ponder the elusive, hirsute giant. It isn’t “Is he fact or fiction?,” but rather “Is he friend or foe?”

Both South Park and The Six Million Dollar man mused upon this question. One employed the query in revealing larger truths about pop culture’s grip on folklore. The other simply provided an answer… a weird, ridiculous answer.

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Bart Cutino works with the Bigfoot Field Researcher Organization as well as the Alliance of Independent Bigfoot Researchers. He made headlines with his claim that he came face to face with the creature during one hunt.

He offers you, the amateur hunter, a few hints on how to make your Bigfoot observation expeditions more fruitful.

• Know The Land Bart suggests learning the topography of the area you want to stake out in the light, before darkness falls. This not is not only a safety precaution but also allows you to mark the most likely traffic areas so you can focus your attention better.

• Don’t Chase Sightings Find the spots where a predator of Bigfoot’s size would feed instead of place where it may have been spotted.

• Tummy Rumbling It’s probably a good idea to eat a big meal before you leave so hunger doesn’t distract you. Just in case, Bart likes to bring along protein bars from Trader Joe’s and Muscle Milk.

• Call Of The Wild No matter what anyone tells you, Bart reinforces, there is no recorded sound file of a Bigfoot call. However, there are clips of unidentified animals that many researches use to provoke a response. Among them, the 1994 “Ohio Howl,” and the “Tahoe Scream.” Even regular deer and doe grunts have gotten responses for Bart.

• The Scent Of Fear Masking your scent is crucial. Elevating yourself helps, so do sprays or if you want to give yourself a natural musk simply forgo showering for a few days before heading out.

• Don’t Stop The Party Bigfoot are curious creatures, so part of your expetition wants to set up camp and light a fire, let them. Seperate yourself from the group and “be in the range of where the most likely curious entry would be.”

• Find The Highway Most apex predators hunt on the ridge lines and walk the same paths over and over again. If you can find these trails, you are getting closer.

Listen now

photo credit: Josh Lowe | Thrash Magazine

Along with the islands of Hawaii, Rhode Island is the only American state to never officially recorded a Bigfoot sighting. Ever.

Ken DeCosta , founder and director of Rhode Island Society for the Examination of Unusual Phenomena, chalks it up to geography. Non-existant are the dense forests of Pennsylvania or Oregon that seem to breed sightings. If you’re looking for the King of Cryptids in the Biggest Little State in the Union, you might want to get comfortable.

“Catch up on some of your reading,” adds DeCosta.

But past experiences don’t alway portend future results, which is why Ken is excited about a new lead. A story from a middle-aged housewife that could very well break Rhode Island’s streak of futility. DeCosta recalls speaking with the woman, who was reluctant to tell her tale to even her husband for fear she’d look crazy.

In September of 2003, the then 44-year-old mother of two drove up Tower Hill Road when a bipedal, hairy, 6-foot beast walked in front of her car. After locking eyes with the creature and getting a good look at it’s ape-like facial features, the massive beast slammed it’s hands into the hood of her vehicle, leaving a few dents.

So this summer, DeCosta and his gang are going to head out to Tower Hill Road and stake out the scene. It most likely will be fruitless so RISE UP also plans to investigate a few other Tower Hill phenomenon including phantom hitchhikers and an intensely creepy specter of a dead little boy’s bicycle reported by passing motorists.

But maybe, just maybe, that woman was right. And maybe, just maybe, Ken and his team can catch a glimpse.

Hear that Hawaii?

Bart Cutino found big foot.

For a fleeting 2007 moment in Naches, WA he and the one of the legendary wood apes locked eyes. He describes the encounter to The Monterey Herald…

“About 20 to 25 seconds later, it stepped out from behind the tree and dropped on all fours, knees on the ground, arms extended and did this little head rotation in my direction,” Cutino says. “At that point I knew what it was, and it was surreal. It wasn’t scary. I just couldn’t believe it was happening.”

He says the Sasquatch propped itself momentarily onto its right shoulder and inched itself forward, at which point Cutino began snapping his fingers, trying to get the attention of a colleague who was 30 yards away, near a truck containing recording equipment.

Read the rest of the encounter AFTER THE JUMP!

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Bobby Clarke, a ferry boat driver from Manitoba, took this Bigfoot footage in 2005. The short film, taken with an out of focus camcorder created lots of media buzz and lead to a Bigfoot investigation by now defunct news program “A Current Affair”. Cryptomundo recounts the incident and reviews the tape. Do you think it’s really worth a second look?

Since the dawn of civilization man has been asking the big questions: Why are we here? How did we come to be here? Is there a god? Is Bigfoot an alien?

Chris Noel, Bigfoot enthusiast, author and investigator may not be able to shed much light on the first three, but in an interview with the Tampa Examiner he tackles the big question of Bigfoot’s origins.

-For more great drawings and caricatures by Nick Worthey, check out his website.

The origins of this video are confusing, apparently it has been making the rounds in Russia as a real sighting of Bigfoot somewhere in the English speaking world. Experts have determined this video to be a hoax. What do you make of it?

The classic dead Bigfoot photo above first appeared on Cryptomundo in 2006. Now artist David Lowe has created a series of photoshopped images depicting how the image was created. Needless to say, the featured cryptid never did exist. Check out this great piece of critical thinking at Cryptomundo.com.

photo credit: iwantamonkey

The Bigfoot Enthusiast Group: Elusive Primates of North America (EPNA) claims that they have found a primate like Handprint on Sand Mountain in Alabama. The discovering group from the Alabama Chapter of the EPNA came across the apparent handprint on an expedition in the Sand Mountain area, where they also heard strange animal noises:

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