Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

TODAY’S AILMENT: Toothache

Kermit’s Undoing

You will need: 1 Frog

Instructions: Spit on frog

Note: This method transfers the toothache to the frog, so maybe use a frog that committed a crime or something.

Less Achin’, More Coffin

You will need: Coffin Nails

Instructions: Pick afflicted tooth with coffin nails

The Chompy Botanist

You will need: The First Fern of Spring

Instructions: Bite the first fern of spring

Note: This cure also prevents the return of the toothache for an entire year. Use the time to finish your novel about the serial killer who’s killing one member of every pair of identical twins in Reno.

The Banal Misdemeanor

You Will Need: Stealth

Instructions: Steal a dishrag; Bury the dishrag

The Prestidigitator’s Secret

You Will Need: Pen; Paper; 1 Kindly Magician

Instructions: Have magician write secret message on paper; Carry magician’s message forever

Warning: DO NOT READ THE MAGICIAN’S MESSAGE. Toothache will return. Also, the message is extremely racist.

The Sacred Pendant of OINK!

You will need: 1 Length of String; 1 Bone from Hog’s Head

Instructions: Tie pig bone to string; Wear string around neck

The Glue Factory Special

You Will Need: Intermediate Knowledge of Equine Anatomy; Beginner’s Knowledge of Equine Anatomical Vocabulary; Hoof-like Substance from a Horse’s Inner Foreleg

Instructions: Shave hoof-like substance from horse; Pack substance into hollows of afflicted tooth

The Lazy Masochist

You Will Need: A straight face

Instructions: Trust in God.

“I’m Finally Getting Some Use Out of this Thing!”

You Will Need: A Mule’s Skeleton

Instructions: Touch the mule’s skeleton

Note: Like you mean it. Touch it like you mean it.

His Cure Friday (A Toothache Prevention Method)

You Will Need: Nail clippers

Instructions: Trim fingernails on a Friday; Read magician’s message

After thorough forensic analysis of the remains of the lions featured in the film Ghosts in the Darkness (based in part on the book The Man-eaters of Tsavo – which I kid you not, was bedtime reading in my household growing up), researchers from University of California, Santa Cruz have concluded that the murderous pair of lions only ate 35 people and not the 135 some had reported.

By looking at isotopes in the teeth of the lions (currently on display at the Chicago Field Museum) scientists were able to put together a very detailed picture of the lions eating habits:

The results suggest that during the final months of what John Patterson described as the lions’ “reign of terror,” fully half of one lion’s diet consisted of humans, with the balance made up of mid-sized grazing animals such as gazelles and impala. Strikingly, the other lion ate very few humans, subsisting instead on herbivores. That dietary disparity leads Dominy and Yeakel to infer that the Tsavo lions worked together to scatter everyone, both humans and wild game, setting the stage for one to gorge on humans and the other to feed on herbivores.

While some may say that 35 or 135 is really just detail, especially since the research only shows how many humans the lions *ate* and not just murdered, it’s a fascinating example of how modern science can be used to look at historical accounts.

Reference: Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences

UCSU: Legendary “man-eating” lions of Tsavo likely ate about 35 people–not 135, say scientists

Tsavo maneaters – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Somhlolo National Stadium, Swaziland

Muti is the Zulu word for lucky charms used in traditional tribal rituals. Swaziland soccer players often use them to curry the favor of the gods and increase their team’s chances of winning. At Somhlolo National Stadium, the football players have gone too far with their muti making ways, even stuffing muti underneath the artificial turf.

Things have gotten so bad that Swaziland’s sports minister is now filing criminal complaints and considering banning any team that defiles the $600,000 turf. Most of the holes, burned or cut into the turf are, unsurprisingly, close to the goals or towards the center of the pitch. Police are tepid with their pursuit, claiming that since most muti stuffing incidents happen at night, there is little they can do about it.

Now that we’ve learned that the police force of Swaziland doesn’t operate after hours, we anticipate the muti stuffing problem will continue to grow unrestrained. Also we are strongly considering throwing a Weirdthings party on the turf sometime in the not so distant future.