If for some reason you haven’t see Alien, this post contains minor spoilers. And is probably really confusing.
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week, Ridley Scott coughed up a bunch of details regarding his forthcoming Alien prequel. As many speculated, the film will, among other things, explain the origins of the strange chair-mounted “space jockey” that the Nostromo’s crew discovers inside the ova-packed derelict spaceship. In other words, Scott’s going for the obvious choice and, in doing so, opting to destroy one of the weirder, more evocative touches of mystery in the entire series. I have no problem with X-Men Origins-ing this bitch, but let’s be smart about it. There’s a whole Nostromo’s worth of characters to back story:
Treacherous Milk: The Story of Ash – How about a film centered on the construction and programming of this back-stabbing android? You can have the Weyland-Yutani scientists churning his robot milk and priming his dickish superiority engine while they have heated arguments about what sort of combat training to give him. Once they finely land on rolled up magazine suffocation tactics, there can be a bad-ass Danger Room-type fight simulation where Ash’s only means of defense is a bandolier full of National Geographics. Obviously, we also want to see them programming Ash’s weird xenomorph fetish, complete with complexly rendered sex dreams featuring the alien’s big, shiny banana head.
Or how about The Rise and Fall of Parker and Brett, a show business biopic in which we learn that the Nostromo’s engineering officers were once a popular Vaudeville act whose signature routine, “The Bonus Situation,” found them cashing in big on the interracial corporate-themed slapstick duo circuit. But when the mob comes knocking, Brett and Parker let them in, and take their coats. And then escape out a window. Now the mob wants their coats back. Disguising themselves as starship HVAC techs, Brett and Parker stowaway on a cargo vessel, flee the
planet and contract space alcoholism. Cut to “Alien.”
I’d also watch South to Dallas, an action-adventure/coming-of-age movie depicting the thrilling tomfoolery of a rugged, young Captain Dallas as he smuggles, gambles and sass-talks his way to the wrong side of the tracks, where he meets, and falls in love with, a promiscuous tattooed smoker. During the course of their sexy, gun-slinging, cross-country romp, we learn that Dallas is terrible at orienteering and often gets North and South confused, which is like a metaphor for his life and decision making, and also, at one point, the hard-living couple actually travels from Oklahoma to Texas. What I’m saying is that the title is really clever.
Kane’s movie would probably be a raucous workplace comedy in which his good intentions, pleasant demeanor and consummate professionalism make him an object of scorn, ridicule and an escalating series of hilarious pranks involving toilets. Maybe it could be called Hazing Kane. That way, when you re-watch alien,
you’ll be so used to seeing the quiet and sweetly pathetic Executive Officer bagged on, the chest burster sequence will evoke only resigned head shaking and tutting exclamations of, “Oh, Kane!”
Nobody wants to see a Lambert movie. Maybe if the plot of the movie was that she fell off a boat. Even then I wouldn’t want her to have any dialogue. And it would have to be a super awesome boat. Like, super super.
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