Find the Fiend – Holiday Edition
Below are descriptions of three murderous Santas. Two of them are merely the fictional creations of popular artists; one is a homicidal costumed fat man who actually existed (and isn’t John Wayne Gacy). Can you Find the Fiend?
A) This troubled toy store employee made off with the company Santa Suit, which he then wore during an overnight killing spree.
B) This enraged rocket scientist decked himself out as jolly ol’ St. Nick before laying siege to his ex’s Christmas party with semi-automatics and Molotov cocktails.
C) This misguided bell-ringing charity Santa led a double life as a pickpocket and, upon being caught by a different charity Santa, promptly murdered and did away with the witness.
Answer after the cut.
The correct answer is b.
Tug at your collars and “too soon” me all you want – this 2008 story of Christmas carnage is too crazy not to reiterate. As a token of my respect for the victims and their families, I’ll forego any “Futurama” Santa references (but just the Santa ones. I can still say “Scruffy knows who killed them people.”) On December 18th of last year, Los Angeles natives Bruce Pardo and his ex-wife finalized their divorce and went their separate, acrimonious ways. The latter set about Christmas plans and, on Christmas Eve, attended a party at her parents’ house. The former, an unemployed NASA engineer, seethed home, rigged up a homemade flamethrower, loaded a couple handguns and slipped into a Santa suit. Despite his non-existent arrest record and violence-free past, Pardo storme
d his former in-laws’ party with guns blazing and Molotov cocktails spiraling fiery arcs through the air. Nine people were killed. LA County coroner official Ed Winter summed up the killing spree thusly: “the entire family was wiped out, and there’s basically like 16 orphans.” As luck would have it, Pardo’s Santa suit was cauterized to his skin, burning him so severely that he permanently postponed his intended escape to Canada in favor of a quick and dirty bullet to the head. In conclusion, I’m still not completely sure how many orphans there were.
Statement a. described Billy Chapman, the axe-wielding, Santa-impersonating antagonist of the 1984 holiday-themed slasher flick “Silent Night, Deadly Night.” See, as a child, Billy watched a man in a Santa costume murder his parents, so… I don’t think I have to explain the science of this – when something kills someone you love, you become that thing and kill other people. It’s like how Lisa Niemi recently turned into pancreatic cancer and tried to mail herself to Val Kilmer.
Statement c. described the murderous rapscallion from the 2007 Christmas episode of Fox’s procedural soap, “Bones.” Fans surely felt that the best gift they received that year was an episode of the show in which the murderer wasn’t the first suspect introduced, who is generally immediately dismissed in favor of myriad motive-drenched red herrings, and then suddenly re-introduced in the final heart-stopping minutes as some puzzled-over mystery clue is suddenly linked to their innocuous, off-handedly remarked-upon hobby.
Hodgins: “I analyzed that regular baking flour we found in the wound… it’s actually Chinese baking flour.”
Dr. Bennan: “Oh my God… the victim’s cousin – he mentioned that he collects Asian bread-making supplies!”
Booth: “C’mon, Bones – ‘supplies’? Just call it ‘stuff,’ like everyone else.”
Angela: “I have the modern equivalent of Penny’s magic computer book from Inspector Gadget AND I’m sexual.”
Okay. I’m done.