Archive for the ‘God’ Category

Man Says He Knows the Road to Heaven, Coy on if it Involves Stairway

Tuesday, March 20th, 2012

jesus heaven macho man.jpg

A South African man claims he has been to heaven four times and has drawn a map.

Self-styled prophet Mthembu says there are 11 heavens, so nuts to you if you had seven in the office pool. He made his first journey to one of them in 1998, took a little breather until 2004 when he returned. He also made a long weekend of heavenly vacays in 2006 and 2008.

He described those first several minutes in heaven.

“An angel, whom I later realised was Gabriel, who was in his early 20s, appeared at my house and led me by the hand to the Mandeni River where he baptised me and he returned to heaven,” Mthembu told the newspaper.

He said the same angel arrived in 1998 and this time took him along to heaven. Mthembu said he had seen God, Jesus and angels during his journeys.

Mthembuuuuuu do you know what that’s worth? Who knew heaven was a place on Earth?


Petty Hate Never Dies: 1,700-Year-Old Furious Complaint About Grocer Recovered

Thursday, December 22nd, 2011


Ever feel guilty about complaining? Sure the drive through clerk at Wendy’s forgot to remove the tomatoes from my Spicy Chicken sandwich, but do I really want to go back into the store?

And even worse, what if my friends call me cheap for requesting a new sandwich or even worse a refund? Is it worth the reputation as a skinflint to not pick off the tomato slice?

Well instead of complaining to a middle manager, why don’t you take your grievance to a higher authority: God. That’s what one fine citizen of the Roman city Antioch did when he cursed a random grocer in a 1,700 year old screed.

“O thunder-and-lightning-hurling Iao, strike, bind, bind together Babylas the greengrocer,” reads the beginning of one side of the curse tablet. “As you struck the chariot of Pharaoh, so strike his [Babylas’] offensiveness.”

Iao is an ol’ fashioned word for God.

So just remember, if you complain about service from a random food worker someone 1,700 years from now might find your complaint and then another person will make fun of you on a digital network inconceivable in your modern era.

[Live Science]

Her? Apparently God Had A Wife That Was Cut From The Bible

Friday, March 25th, 2011

Skitched 20110325 180257

According to a new documentary airing in Europe, the God of all Abrahamic religions including Judaism, Christianity and Islam… had a wife.

And her name Asherah.

And she has largely been scrubbed out of the Bible.

And she is probably pissed.

“You might know him as Yahweh, Allah or God. But on this fact, Jews, Muslims and Christians, the people of the great Abrahamic religions, are agreed: There is only one of Him,” writes Stavrakopoulou in a statement released to the British media. “He is a solitary figure, a single, universal creator, not one God among many … or so we like to believe.”

“After years of research specializing in the history and religion of Israel, however, I have come to a colorful and what could seem, to some, uncomfortable conclusion that God had a wife,” she added.

Stavrakopoulou bases her theory on ancient texts, amulets and figurines unearthed primarily in the ancient Canaanite coastal city called Ugarit, now modern-day Syria. All of these artifacts reveal that Asherah was a powerful fertility goddess.

The Asherah theory has been around since 1967 but the recent work of Exeter’s Francesca Stavrakopoulou is most credible evidence found to substantiate the claim.