I’ve never been attacked by an alligator while fishing in the traquil marsh lands of central Florida, but if I was, it’s probably sound something like this.

Thomas Swiader Jr. found himself on the business end of an angry gator who leapt from the water, jostling the fisherman in his kayak. What follows is a string of fairly hilarious obscenities. THE VIDEO BELOW CONTAINS THESE OBSCENITIES, PLEASE BE AWARE.

[Fox News]

Santino is sick of your gawking and he’s determined to gain sweet revenge by tagging your forehead with a rock.

Santino is a chimp at Sweden’s Furuvik Zoo. He’d gained a reputation for throwing projectiles at particularly annoying visitors so one researcher decided to track his pattern. He discovered a evolving strategy that showed signs of forethought and improvisation.

Here is one of his plots…

“After a visitor group had left the compound area, Santino went inside the enclosure and brought a good-sized heap of hay that he placed near the visitor’s section, and immediately after that he put stones under it,” Osvath said.

“He also appeared to have placed projectiles behind, just before he went in after the hay. After this, he sat down beside the hay and waited. When the visitors came back, he waited until they were close by and, without any preceding display, he threw stones at the crowd.”

How much longer until he starts getting mail order packages from ACME?

[Fox News]

I think he might have some sort of vitamin deficiency. Second fox related post of the month for those keeping track.

[Animal Oddities]

“Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water.”

What a malarky sentence. It’s never safe. Ever. Stop thinking that people. There will always be something in there to kill you.

Take this brand new sea snake discovered off the coast of Australia. It’s venomous and coated in spikes, just in case that first part wasn’t enough.

Though some other sea snakes have spiky scales on their bellies, “no other [known] sea snake has this curious feature,” study leader Kanishka Ukuwela, an ecologist at the University of Adelaide, said by email.

Normally snakes have smooth scales, but each of the newly named Hydrophis donaldi’s scales has a spiny projection, he said.

Scientists cruising shallow seagrass beds in the Gulf of Carpentaria (map) recently captured nine of the rough-scaled reptiles.

Seriously, the ocean is a soup of terror. I will never feel at ease until James Cameron personally murders all of these horrifying little goblins and any others we haven’t accidentally run across.

From here on out, I live my life by the SALTY LANGUAGE PLEASE DON’T CLICK UNLESS YOU WANT TO HEAR CURSE WORDS code of Chris Cooper in Adaptation.

[National Geographic]

After a man left a grocery store, a fox stalked him and would not leave the man alone until he gave the fox some of his food. This was a fully grown man, by the way, weighing in at over 200 lbs.

“Despite making attempts to escape, the fox persisted and carried out a sustained attack on the food he had just bought from Tesco.

Eventually, Mr Baker claims, he resorted to offering the animal his loaf of garlic bread and the fox scampered off.”

Everybody knows foxes love garlic bread. However, wildlife experts do not think you should give in and give food to foxes, but should try and frighten them away. Perhaps with a weapon of some kind?

“The best thing to use is a water pistol.”

Ah. OK.

[The Telegraph]

Kids do the darndest things.

It can be a full time job trying to keep foreign, sometimes disgusting objects out of their mouths. But what if you could use the disturbing habit to your benefit? What if your infant could be used to safe guard the rest of family.

Who needs a dog when you can count on your child to murder snakes and eat their heads?

Here is the testimony from Palestinian mother Ghadeer Aylan…

“I was tending to a bottle of milk for my child Adhmad in the kitchen. I found in his hand the body of a small snake, its head in his mouth. I didn’t believe my eyes, and nearly died from shock and horror and almost fainted. I screamed at him, but he didn’t understand. Neighbors came over and carried on removing the body from my son’s mouth.”

Young Admad was rushed to a hospital and was found to be totally healthy. And the most hardcore baby on Earth.

Huge thank you to Weird Things reader Josh Souliere for finding and translating this story.

[Daral Hayat]

It attacks cats and leaves thick scratches in tree trunks, but state officials aren’t sure what is roaming through the Fort Lauderdale suburb of Davie. Residents swear it’s a Black Panther, others are saying it’s more likely a coyote. Either way, it’s scaring the beejeezus out of locals.

Fearing another sighting, or possible attack soon, neighbors are taking precautions, including cutting down on playtime for some kids living near the alleged panther sighting.

“Ever since they heard there’s a panther, we can’t go outside by ourselves,” said Matthew Okun.

An animal trapper is currently on the case, tracking the beast.

[NBC Miami]

In what would go down as the earliest Comic-Con publicity stunt in support of 2012′s new film Amazing Spider-man, a venomous lizard was captured in San Diego.

The 2-foot-long lizard, native to the southwestern U.S. and northern Mexico, is being kept at a county animal shelter in Carlsbad until officials with the state Department of Fish and Game can devise a relocation plan.

“It’s very dangerous and illegal to possess without a permit,” said Lt. Dan DeSousa of the animal services department.

Although we cannot prove this an organic way to get Southern California nerds terrified of lizards, just like Peter Parker will be on July 3rd in 3D and IMAX, we do hope that Rhys Ifans finds it funny.

[LA Times]

It’s under the water. Just below the gentle, lapping surface near Olympic Park in East London. It lurks.

What it is, we don’t yet know. Aside from the apparent taste for fat Canadian Geese, not much can be confirmed as no one has yet to put an eyeball on it.

Witnesses alerted environment bosses after seeing a 16lb Canada goose dragged under the surface, with fears there could now be a pike, alligator or even a large python stalking the waters near the Olympic site.

The number of swans on the river and waterways near the newly-built £9bn Olympic Park is also dropping.

No matter what manner of beastie is currently snacking in the waters, we will suspect it’s still less terrifying than the official Olympic mascots.

[Daily Mail]

A man convicted of his wife’s murder will get a new trial for two reasons.

1) It has come to light that the, since fired, State Bureau of Investigation agent in charge of his investigation mishandled evidence in several of his cases.

2) A new theory, backed by several experts, that a rogue owl got into the house and triggered the wife’s fatal fall down the stairs.

A successful author, Michael Peterson was first convicted of his wife’s murder in 2003. The new owl theory hinges on a feather found at the scene of the crime and injuries to the head of the victim which specialists from the Smithsonian Institute say are consistent with what would occur if an owl was tangled in her hair.

The case, sans owl theory, was dramatized in the 2007 Lifetime Original Movie “The Staircase Murders” starring Treat Williams.

[MSNBC]

The person who uploaded this video swears up and down that the noise made when the zebra opens his mouth is that of the animal and not of he or his friend. I believe him. Because, why not.

25 miles off shore, this big lug (let’s call him Alfie) decides to ominously circle this fishing tourists boat. You know, just for the lulz.

It should also be noted that this video was captured on an iPhone. Which could have lead to the greatest interaction with Siri ever.

Tourist: A Great White Shark is circling my boat, what do I do?

Siri: Let me think… Yeah, you’re screwed.

[KING 5]

We’ve talked at length on the podcast about the intelligence and possible threat presented by Octopi. This will do nothing to bury those very real, justified fears.

Two deep-ocean species of cephalopod, an octopus and a squid, can go from transparent to opaque in the blink of an eye, a new study finds.

This impressive camouflage swap is an adaptation that likely keeps the cephalopods safe from two different types of predators. The first are deep-sea creatures that hunt by looking upward for prey silhouetted against the light filtering down through thousands of feet of water. The second are fish that spotlight prey in “biological” headlights. These fish use bioluminescence, their own body-driven light source, to hunt for food.

They can go invisible now? Maybe it is time to align with the sharks…

[Live Science]

Gigantic snakes in the Everglades aren’t all that rare. Massive pythons that make snakes out of full grown deer? A little more cause for concern.

Doe. A meal. A female meal.

Scott Hardin, exotic species coordinator for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission, says workers found the snake on Thursday. The reptile was one of the largest ever found in South Florida.

Hardin says the python had recently consumed a 76-pound female deer that had died. He says it was an important capture to help stop the spread of pythons further north.

76-pound doe? Fat kids playing pee wee football don’t weigh 76 pounds!

It’s a good these things are in a far off remote area of the country. Unless you live in a town within 10 miles of the Everglades. Like I do.

Then you’re screwed.

Dammit…

[AP]

Are aliens controlling the minds of animals in an attempt sabotage state of the art jet technology? Did a rocket scientist accidentally leave a pic-a-nic basket within sniffing distance of the woods? Did a lonely bear simply want to get a look at the latest in high-flying tech?

Whatever the explanation a 200 lb. bear was seen wandering through the Jet Propulsion Laboratory’s Pasadena campus.

[KTLA]

Red Hartebeest: 1 – Biker: 0.

That looked pretty deliberate on the Hartebeest’s part. Also looks very painful.

[Deadspin]