Everyday this week…Brett Rounsaville brings us the Weirdest Inventions ever conceived.

I think we established that you can always count on Japanese folk and the military to come up with some off the wall inventions but let it be known here and now and for the rest of time that there is only one place to go for a truly weird invention. The apex of oddball, the zenith of zany, the pinnacle of peculiar…the culmination of crazy, the…nadir of normal (I’m running out of steam here gang. I hope that was enough for you. OH, WAIT! One more…), the summit of strange; I’m speaking, of course, of Scientology.

It’s now more commonly know as the E-meter but the Hubbard Electrometer was originally used by L. Ron Hubbard in 1968 for a (*ahem*) scientific experiment with the intention of discerning whether or not tomatoes experience pain.

Crazy? Probably.

Ahead of his time? Definitely.

Maybe if we had listened to L. Ron when he told us he had proven that tomatoes effectively scream in pain when they’re sliced then we wouldn’t have run into that huge Killer Tomato problem we had just ten years later when they finally rose against their transgressors.

Woe is man’s hubris when confronted with the threat of mutant tomatoes with a taste for human blood.

Also, it’s worth noting that the Hubbard Electrometer is basically just a device that measures electrical resistance but with the not-to-be-trifled-with addition of an unproven assertion.

I could be wrong, but it feels like the Hubbard Electrometer is just one step off from me gluing macaroni to the side of a toaster oven and declaring that it can sort ghosts by height. (Hmm…I might be on to something there. Yeah…the Rounsaville Ghosterganizer, coming to a Target near you.)

That’s the last of them gang. What do you think? Who’s going to top the heap in this week’s Weird Off? Will it be:

1. The Solar Powered Bra

2. Military Vuvuzelas

3. Baby’s First Ball Gag

4. The Scan Toaster

5. The Hubbard Electrometer

What order would you put these weirdest of weird inventions in?

In other news: Our pushy and megalomaniacal editor here at weirdthings.com, Mr. Justin Robert Young, has insisted that next week’s Weirdest Topic needs to be both topical and summer related…so he’s suggest Weirdest Murders of All Time. Get pumped, people.

Everyday this week…Brett Rounsaville brings us the Weirdest Inventions ever conceived.

Sometimes an invention, although weird, is so inspirational, so brilliant, so ingenious that it can no longer be held within the borders of Weirdville and thus is compelled to immigrate into the welcoming arms of neighboring Awesometown. Today, I bring you, the Scan Toaster.

Not only does this fancy little contraption give your bread that golden and crispy crunch that we’ve all come to associate with a well-balanced breakfast but you can actually connect it to your computer via USB and burn in the image of your choice. Or lightly toast in, assuming it has the customary toaster settings that vary from not-even-warmed-up to burnt-beyond-recognition.

Okay, I’ll concede that in everyday life this peculiar product is nearly completely useless but join me, if you will, on a journey outside the box. This may very well be the most powerful creation ever unleashed in the known world. It’s like the goose that laid the golden egg and the atomic bomb all rolled into one little bread-burning package.

Need to keep the kids interested in breakfast? Easy. Burn yourself some Mickey ears on their Wonderbread. Need some extra spending dough? The Virgin Mary’s visage on a piece of toast is ALWAYS good for a few bucks on eBay. Looking to start World War III? Nothing like proclaiming to the New York Times that Mohammad mysteriously showed up on your toast one morning.

Let’s see the iPhone 4 do that.

What am I missing? How would you put this phenomenal piece of technology to the best use? Also, what other Weird Inventions are out there that can top this one? Also, Tomorrow is already Friday! Better start thinking about how the Scan Toaster measures up against, Baby’s First Ball Gag, Military Vuvuzelas and Solar Powered Bras…

Everyday this week…Brett Rounsaville brings us the Weirdest Inventions ever conceived.

Are you one of those people who, when confronted with a crying baby during a long flight, all you can think about is how incredibly satisfying it would be to strap a ball gag to it’s face and shove it into the nearest overhead compartment? (Me neither. And for the record, if you are…please don’t have children…) Then today is your lucky day.

It seems, every once in a while that rare individual comes along who not only has never had children, but only appears to know of their existence at all through second hand stories AND prides themselves in their self-titled position of “inventor.” Only that man (let’s call him Crazy Jim) could create, The Strap-On Pacifier.

I can only assume Crazy Jim created this particular product with hordes of armless screaming babies belonging to negligent parents in mind. (Wow, now that I type that out it kind of sounds like it would make an incredible B movie, right? Coming to a theater near you, Summer 2011: The Armless Screamers! “This summer, just because they’re armless does not mean they are harmless. WAHHHHHHHHHHH!” Cue blood shooting out of ears and bursting crystal glasses.)

Seriously, I respect that babies spitting out their pacifiers is an actual issue but is their any chance that strapping said pacifiers to tiny little still-developing ears is a good idea? I hope Crazy Jim plans to sell them in conjunction with “safety tape.” (I’m picturing duct tape but with cute little piggies and sheep printed on it to use for swaddling your kid-let so they don’t rip their own ears off while trying to take the pacifier out to say their first words.)

Am I wrong here? Should you treat your baby like Tarantino’s Gimp? What are your thoughts? Most importantly, are there even WEIRDER baby/child related inventions out there? Share in the fun right down there in the comments!

Everyday this week…Brett Rounsaville brings us the Weirdest Inventions ever conceived.

A topic like this, sometimes you owe it to the world to pay lip service to the big clichés. Case in point, I think we can all agree that if there’s one group of people we know we can count on to come up with one of the weirdest inventions we’ve ever seen…oh yeah…okay…I forgot already…it’s the Japanese. BUT, if there are TWO groups of people then the second one is DEFINITELY the military!

Have you seen this contraption? I thought I had. Knowing that it came from the breeding ground of weird that is the military-industrial complex, I was pretty sure it was the lecherous King of the Isle of Jazz’s artillery, until I remembered my Dad had assured me at some point that cartoons aren’t real. (Heartbreaking.)

Back to square one. Turns out this thing isn’t designed to go to battle with the Land of Symphony, it’s supposed to be a little like a giant tinhorn. You know, those metal horns old people stick in their ears to hear better in cartoons. (Hmm…somehow it already came back to cartoons.) Except this particular phalanx of inverse instruments is meant to alert the old man on the other end to incoming enemy aircraft. (At which point SOP states he must shake his cane, mumble unintelligibly for 10-20 seconds, then suddenly shout, “…OR I’LL SHOVE THIS WALKIN’ STICK UP YOUR @$$!!!)

Unfortunately, I’m not sure how well this fancy little listening device worked. Can anyone tell me what country those soldiers in the foreground are from? If it’s Germany, Hungary, Bulgaria, or the Ottoman Empire my guess would be, “not as well as they had hoped.”

Regardless, eventually the old men were replaced with radar operators…

Military history is rife with weird inventions. See if you can’t find me a few more that out weird this one. I dare you.

Everyday this week…Brett Rounsaville brings us the Weirdest Inventions ever conceived.

A topic like this, sometimes you owe it to the world to pay lip service to the big clichés. Case in point, I think we can all agree that if there’s one group of people we know we can count on to come up with one of the weirdest inventions we’ve ever seen…it’s the Japanese.

So now, the problem becomes, where do we start? Which Japanese invention will hold today’s place of honor firmly in position while adding the necessary support to present it in the best possible light? Which Japanese invention will simultaneously lift the bar and separate itself from the pack? Which Japanese invention will allow for the most gratuitous use of thinly veiled innuendo?

I bring you…The Solar Powered Bra! (I can’t help but feel this is the perfect time for Thus Spake Zarathustra to reach its crescendo.)

I’m not even sure what I love most about this. Is it the beverage holding pouch attached to either… er… chest… piece…? Is it the extra-literal use of the term “green?” The scrolling LED billboard?

Ultimately, I think I’m just happy that women are finally being released from the shackles of having to plug their cell phones into a wall to charge while they sleep. Every. Single. Night. How daunting.

Finally, they have the freedom to charge their electronics as they go about their business in the work-a-day world! Provided it’s sunny out. And they aren’t wearing any clothes…

Also, please don’t wear this current coursing corset out and about on a rainy day. Or wash it. Or…I better stop now.

What do you think? Weird enough for you? If you’re a girl, can you imagine wearing one of these? If you’re a dude, can you imagine wearing one of these? Can you do weirder? Impress me, Team. Let me hear your thoughts.