Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

Today’s ailment: Fever

Zeus’ Toolbox

You will need: 1 THUNDER AXE (Symmetrical Double-Headed Axe)
Instructions: Use THUNDER AXE
Note: Use caution when operating THUNDER AXE

From The Country That Gave You The Blood Of Kali…

You will need: Water; Dirt Collected From Tomb Of St. Thomas In Chennai, India
Instructions: Mix water and holy grave dirt; Drink

Neptune’s Formalwear Accessory

You will need: 1 Seahorse (fresh or dried)
Instructions: Fasten seahorse to left arm
Note: If you think it looks weird having a seahorse attached to only one of you arms, use THUNDER AXE to remove other arm

Sweet, Merciful Oats

You will need: 1 Pious Neighbor; 1 Dish; Grain
Instructions: Place grain in dish; Instruct pious neighbor to pray over grain
Note: Works best for fevers caused by “ill wishers”

The Cure Is Worse Than The Disease (9 End Pieces Worse)

You will need: 9 Loaves of Bread
Instructions: Eat first slice from each loaf

Repentance Of The Drunken Steel (Preventative)

You will need: 1 Wine-Soaked Sword Formerly Used To Decapitate A Man
Instructions: Touch sword
Note: If you don’t have such a sword, make one! All you need is a regular sword, a man, a steady arm and wine

Audubon’s Last Resort

You will need: 1 Bag; 1 String; 1 Tub of Cold Water; 1 Live Eagle
Instructions: Clip nails; Place clippings in bag; Tie bag around eagle’s neck; Hold eagle in tub of water; When eagle becomes sick, fever will dissipate

3k Exorcism Dash

You will need: 1 Garter; 1 Koorsboom Tree
Instructions: Compel fever spirits to leave body and enter garter;
Tie garter around Koorsboom tree; run from Koorsboom tree without once looking back
Note: fever can also be driven into a Fedora, which should then be placed on a baby bear

Woah! Shell Shock!

You will need: 1 Live Turtle; Pepper; Incense
Instructions: Cut open live turtle; Rub insides with pepper and incense; Apply to feet
Note: Cure is most likely to work if selected turtle’s demeanor is cool, but also rude

Larva THIS, Buttface! (Preventative)

You will need: 1 Righteous Loogie; 1 Hairy Caterpillar
Instructions: Spit on caterpillar; Say, “Take that!” (optional)

Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

Today’s ailment: Boils

“Shotgun!”

You will need: A Glass of Water; Buckshot
Instructions: Place buckshot into water; Drink water
Note: Substitute water with kerosene to make Ted Nugent’s hangover cure.

White Elephant

You will need: 1 Stick
Instructions: Smear boil pus on stick; Place stick on ground; Boils will transfer to first person who picks up stick
Note: Be careful not to procure your stick in an area frequented by other boil-sufferers lest your attempt at a cure result in the acquisition of additional boils via someone else’s discarded pus branch.

The Last Kind Act of a Burgeoning Serial Killer

You will need: 1 Disturbed Child, 1 Steinbeckian Retard Who Loves All Things, But, Tragically, Does Not Understand His Own Strength, Or Anyone Else Who Has Crushed A Mole To Death With His Or Her Bare Hands

Instructions: Have mole crusher touch boil with hand used for mole crushing

Like Peas in a Pot

You will need: 1 Pot; Peas; Water
Instructions: Fill pot with water; Drop into water one pea for every boil; Hide pot; Never tell anyone about pot
Note: The CIA entrance exam uses the standardized question “When curing your boils, where did you hide your pea pot?” to immediately eliminate unfit applicants; anyone who answers is immediately ineligible for covert government service.

An Inarguably Impressive Bird-To-Stone Ratio

You will need: 1 Saw
Instructions: Amputate afflicted limb

The Alabama Limbo

You will need: An arching bramble grown into soil on both ends

Instructions: Crawl beneath bramble

Note: This cure is only officially considered “Alabama Limbo” if the bramble thorns meet the minimum regulation 2 inches in length and if, after crawling forward under the plant, you reverse back out and pass the corncob to the next competitor.

The Lunch Special

You will need: Lettuce; Tomato
Instructions: Apply lettuce and tomato to boil-ridden flesh
Note: The archive includes a separate cure in which bacon is pressed against the skin, so if you want take the extra step to go full on BLT, it probably couldn’t hurt.

Capricorn’s Pedicure

You will need: Goat; Nail Clippers; Scraper; Water
Instructions: Clip goat’s toenails; Scrape toenails; Ingest toenails and water

“Some Pig! …Also, This Looks Infected. Maybe Consult An Actual Medical Doctor.”

You will need: Spider Web
Instructions: Wrap boils in spider web
Note: If you’re going to seek direct spider assistance, you’ll want to learn to differentiate between Charlotte, the Shelobs and Tony Shalhoub, whose webs are carcinogenic.

It’s Not Like He’s Doing Anything Else…

You will need: A Nearby Wake Honoring A Person Scheduled To Be Buried The Following Day
Instructions: Attend wake; Approach corpse; Ask the corpse to take the evil with him; Leave without talking to any other attendees

Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

Today’s ailment: Snake Bite

Why Settle For The Local When The General Will Do?

You will need: Moonshine
Instructions: Drink moonshine
Note: This method is a twofer – the hair that moonshine puts on one’s chest can be removed and used to sop up excess venom.

Li’l Chomper’s Finger Wigglin’ Toxin Easement

You will need: A child born with teeth
Instructions: Have toothy kid employ innate healing powers in curing snakebite

…It Made Sense On Paper

You will need: 1 Snake With Less Potent Venom Than Original Bite-Delivering Snake
Instructions: Irritate less poisonous snake until it bites victim of first, more poisonous snake bite
Note: A funny way to irritate the snake is to grab it with both hands and dance with it while pretending it’s a woman. This is extra irritating to male snakes.

Chariots Of Poisonous Snakes

You will need: Speed; Determination; Score By Vangelis
Instructions: Immediately after bite, race snake to nearest river; Win race

Just Don’t Use The Peanut Butter This Time

You will need: 1 dog that has survived snakebite
Instructions: Have dog lick snakebite; Reward dog with Beggin’ Strip

One Foot In The Grave

You will need: Shovel

Instructions: Dig hole; Place bitten limb into hole; Fill in hole; Remain until feeling not poisoned
Warning: Method does not work if snakebite is above the neck; Method immobilizes you such that you are open game for all area snakes.

Countersnakewise Healing Massage

You will need: Baby-soft hands
Instructions: Rub bite in opposite direction of that in which the offending snake coiled

Guess What?

You will need: Chicken Butt (Live)
Instructions: Apply live chicken’s anus to the wounded area.
Note: Method works best if snakebite is above the neck.

The Twin Peaks Church Service

You will need: The ability to recite prayers backwards
Instructions: Recite prayers backwards

Lauren Bacall: “You Do Know How To Cure A Snakebite, Don’t You?

You will need: A buddy; Chewing gum
Instructions: Have buddy blow three times into afflicted’s mouth
Note: For maximum healing, perform simultaneously with poultry anus compress

Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

Today’s ailment: Hair Loss

A Box of Memories

You will need: One Box
Instructions: Save all hair sheddings in box
Note: Also great for your “Hoarders” audition tape.

Lard and Iron: The John Goodman Story

You will need: Magnetic Iron Ore (Powdered); Hog Lard
Instructions: Mix ore into lard; Rub on head

Hair Of The Babe That Bit You After You Pulled Its Hair Out

You will need: A Baby That Has Just Grown its First Hairs; Baby’s Mother’s Permission; One Toy Train
Instructions: Pull out baby’s hair; Reward baby with choo-choo

Sort Of Like The Opposite Of Your Werewolf Transformation
You will need: New Moon (In terms of phase, not freshness)
Instructions: Cut hair at night
Note: Hair will grow back fuller and longer than before. Does not work on genitals.

Only Smokey Can Prevent Head Deforestation, Meaning Hair Loss. Okay, That’s a Stretch

You will need: 1 Bear; 1 Grease Harvesting Implement
Instructions: Obtain bear’s excess grease; Massage grease into scalp.

Hobo Percussionist

You will need: Both hands
Instructions: Rub fingernails together
Note: Works best if done continuously and in the same room where someone is trying to read.

Aesop’s Deleted Scene

You will need: 1 Lion; Pliers; String; Iron Cajones
Instructions: Pull out one of lion’s teeth; Tie tooth to string; wear as necklace
Note: Also great for your “When Animals Attack” audition tape.

Amateur Choreography

You will need: 1 Elder Tree
Instructions: Walk around elder tree three times; Jazz hands (optional)

The Rerouting Method (Only for Beardos)

You will need: 1 Razor
Instructions: Shave off beard

Bah Ram Eww!

You will need: 1 Ram; 1 Rubber-Tipped Ram-Gagging Stick
Instructions: Use gagging stick to gag ram until ram vomits; Continue gagging ram; Gag ram until ram’s stomach is empty and ram is still sort of vomiting but is really just bringing up thick strings of bile; Smear bile on head.
Note: Not the worst “Amazing Race” audition tape you could submit.

Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

Today’s ailment: WARTS

Old MacDonald had a Wart Fetish

You will need: 1 Farmer

Instructions: Have farmer rub wart with his/her rough, expert hand

Note: Creepy

Cat’s Eye (Not the Stephen King Movie) and Stump Water (Not the Southern Porn Star)

You will need: 1 Cat’s Eye; Stump Water

Instructions: Rub cat’s eye in stump water; Place cat’s eye against wart; Repeat until wart drops off

Tony Roma’s Black Magic Special

You will need: 1 Freshly Cut Steak

Instructions: Hold steak on wart; Spin entire body three times; Tell the wart to leave

Note: I would recommend using a Porterhouse. They contain more tenderloin than your standard T-Bone, and go great with a 2005 Taupenot-Merme Gevrey-Chambertin.

The Savvy Entrepreneur

You will need: A Quicksilver Tongue; Probably Some Sort of Printed Warranty

Instructions: Sell wart to someone

Note: Try farmers. They like warts. You know… like “like” like them…

I Think Kitt Complained About This On “Knight Rider”

You will need: 1 Can; 24 Pebbles; 1 Road

Instructions: Place pebbles in can; Put can in middle of road; Wart will heal five days after first car runs over can

Note: I might be thinking of Air Wolf complaining about the UTI cure where you throw potatoes at helicopters

This’ll Piss Off Vampires AND Loraxes

You will need: 1 Knife; Non-essential Pine Tree

Instructions: Cut the shape of cross into wart; Cut the shape of cross into pine tree; Never return to tree.

Satan

You will need: 1 Cemetery; Unfaltering Allegiance to Dark Lord

Instructions: Visit fresh grave; Call on Satan to remove wart

Note: If he’s unsuccessful in removing your wart, you get a free Satan t-shirt. Last year’s featured a picture of Satan.

If You Know What This Means, You’re Probably Already Doing It

You will need: The Yellow Stuff that Comes Out of a Crushed Fly’s Stomach

Instructions: Rub yellow stuff on wart

Covert Cheese Funeral

You will need: 1 Piece of Cheese; 1 Accomplice

Instructions: Rub wart with cheese; Have accomplice secretly bury cheese

Note: SHHHHH!

…At Least People Will Forget About Your Horrible Wart

You will need: A Powerful Voice

Instructions: Howl at moon; Politely answer all nice policeman’s questions

An abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

Today’s ailment: Sore Throat

Eddie Vedder’s Noose

You will need: 1 Strip of Red Flannel

Instructions: Tie flannel around neck

Some Kind of Crazy Voodoo Sh-t

You Will Need: 1 Sheep’s Heart; A Bunch O’ Unused Pins; 1 Fire

Instructions: Insert pins into sheep’s heart; burn heart in fire

Note: Apparently, this doesn’t actually cure the sore throat, but rather summons the witch that caused it. What I’m saying is, you might want to have, like, a blessed dagger or Methodist gun or something.

Human Health ? Goose PTSD

You will need: 1 Live Gander; 1 Competent Fowl Wrangler

Instructions: Have wrangler dip live gander’s head into throat of the afflicted 3 times, each time making sure not to remove the head until the gander honks.

The Neck-Water Swig

You will need: 1 Bowl; Water

Instructions: Fill bowl with water; Bathe neck; Drink water

Note: If you live on a mountain or a hill, the water MUST be procured from the side opposite the one you inhabit. Otherwise, you’d have to drink the water and then bathe your neck in it, and this isn’t that kind of website.

LEECHES!

You will need: LEECHES!

LEECHES!: LEECHES!

Note: !!!!!!!!!!

You Say “Tomato,” I Say “Sore Throat Curative!” Then, for Legal Reasons, I Add, “I am Not a Medical Professional, so you May Want to Call the Whole Thing Off.”

You will need: 1 Tomato

Instructions: Rub tomato on feet; Rub tomato on throat

Mixology 205 Final Exam

You Will Need: 1 Glass of Water; 1 Rusty Nail; 1 Bedbug

Instructions: Mash up bedbug; Put mashed bedbug into glass of water; Stir bedbug drink with rusty nail; Gargle resulting concoction

Necrophiliac’s Foreplay

You Will Need: The Hand of a Person who Died an Untimely Death

Instructions: Rub throat with corpse hand; Enjoy

A Day like Any Other

You Will Need: Sweaters; Whiskey; Quilts

Instructions: Don several layers of heavy clothes; Jog around the block; Drink 4 ounces of whiskey; Go to sleep beneath heavy quilts or blankets

Dr. Wistar’s Balm of Wild Cherry

You Will Need: 1 Time Machine; Confederate Money

Instructions: Use Balm as Directed

Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

TODAY’S AILMENT: Toothache

Kermit’s Undoing

You will need: 1 Frog

Instructions: Spit on frog

Note: This method transfers the toothache to the frog, so maybe use a frog that committed a crime or something.

Less Achin’, More Coffin

You will need: Coffin Nails

Instructions: Pick afflicted tooth with coffin nails

The Chompy Botanist

You will need: The First Fern of Spring

Instructions: Bite the first fern of spring

Note: This cure also prevents the return of the toothache for an entire year. Use the time to finish your novel about the serial killer who’s killing one member of every pair of identical twins in Reno.

The Banal Misdemeanor

You Will Need: Stealth

Instructions: Steal a dishrag; Bury the dishrag

The Prestidigitator’s Secret

You Will Need: Pen; Paper; 1 Kindly Magician

Instructions: Have magician write secret message on paper; Carry magician’s message forever

Warning: DO NOT READ THE MAGICIAN’S MESSAGE. Toothache will return. Also, the message is extremely racist.

The Sacred Pendant of OINK!

You will need: 1 Length of String; 1 Bone from Hog’s Head

Instructions: Tie pig bone to string; Wear string around neck

The Glue Factory Special

You Will Need: Intermediate Knowledge of Equine Anatomy; Beginner’s Knowledge of Equine Anatomical Vocabulary; Hoof-like Substance from a Horse’s Inner Foreleg

Instructions: Shave hoof-like substance from horse; Pack substance into hollows of afflicted tooth

The Lazy Masochist

You Will Need: A straight face

Instructions: Trust in God.

“I’m Finally Getting Some Use Out of this Thing!”

You Will Need: A Mule’s Skeleton

Instructions: Touch the mule’s skeleton

Note: Like you mean it. Touch it like you mean it.

His Cure Friday (A Toothache Prevention Method)

You Will Need: Nail clippers

Instructions: Trim fingernails on a Friday; Read magician’s message

Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

Today’s ailment: Hiccups

The Homestead Thievery Gambit

You will need: 1 Convincing Accuser

Instructions: Have convincing accuser accuse hiccupper of stealing money “on a farm.”

The Nurturing Satanist

You will need: 1 Right Index Finger (yours); 1 Left Shoe (worn); 1 Accurate Clock; Functioning Salivary Ducts

Instructions: At the stroke of midnight, stand next to hiccupper’s bed, wet right index finger with saliva and draw shape of cross on left shoe. Recite Lord’s Prayer backwards three times.

(Note: also results in summoning of bog imp)

The Cute Little Heart-Breaker

You will need: An open mind

Instructions: Have hiccupper imagine a fox without imagining the fox’s tail.

IMPORTANT: This is very different from the vomit induction trick of imagining a fox without a tail.

The Anonymous Tumbler

You will need: 1 Paper Bag; 1 Grassy Hill

Instructions: Place paper bag over hiccuppers head; Have hiccupper roll down grassy hill

Note: Using a paper bag with a “dizzy face” drawn on it will neither improve nor hinder this method’s results. I repeat: it will not hinder this method’s results.

The Acrid Flavor of Death (AKA The “Needs Salt” Method)

You will need: The ability to discern the center of a graveyard; A graveyard

Instructions: Have hiccupper place dirt collected from the grave nearest a cemetery’s center on his/her tongue.

The Dent in the Breadbox

You will need: A strong right jab

Instructions: Punch hiccupper in the stomach

The Huey Lewis-Endorsed Power of Love Cure

You will need: to be pretty damned certain hiccupper isn’t as lonely as he/she looks.

Instructions: Have hiccupper picture a person of the opposite sex who loves him/her

Caution: May result in existential crisis

Bug Sack

You will need: Live Pill Bugs; Small Sack; Twine

Instructions: Place pill bugs in sack; Using twine, tie sack around hiccuppers neck

Note: Most effective on prom night

The Improvising Satanist

You Will Need: Two Black Candles; Matches or Lighter; 1 Wet Noodle

Instructions: Light both candles; drape noodle between hiccuper’s eyes

(note: also results in summoning of meatball orc)

The Wait, What?! No. I’m Not Doing That. That… That’s… No. Method

You will need: 1 Alligator

Instructions: Have hiccupper rub gator’s belly.

Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

Today’s ailment: Indigestion

The Belly Button Breathalyzer

You will need: Brandy; 1 drinker of brandy.

Instructions: Have brandy drinker swallow a mouthful of his/her favorite brandy; Immediately have brandy drinker blow onto your tummy; Repeat as desired by brandy drinker.

The Triple Threat

You will need: 1 small piece of a willow tree; 1 little chunk of misc. bone; 1 slice of an animal’s pelt.

Instructions: Eat willow fragment, bone shard and pelt niblet.

Note: This cure is most effective in children.

The Pit Snort

You will need: 1 musty armpit.

Instructions: Heartily inhale the armpit’s vaporous must.

That’ll Do, Pig

You will need: 1 serving of pig excrement.

Instructions: Eat pig excrement.

Note: Tummy aches are caused by an unnatural cooling of the stomach. Swine droppings help to dial the gastrointestinal thermostat back up to a healthy swelter.

The Ad Hoc Pie-Hole Surveyor

You will need: 1 thumb (yours); 1 mouth (yours).

Instructions: Using the thumb as a ruler, measure the length and width of your mouth; Repeat 5x.

Gizzard Dander Num-Nums

You will need: 1 chicken gizzard.

Instructions: Separate gizzard lining from gizzard; Dry gizzard lining; Powder gizzard lining; Eat gizzard lining.

Note: Also effective with carrier pigeon gizzard.

The Rock and Walk

You will need: 1 large open space; 1 rock.

Instructions: Approach rock; Bend over; Flip rock; Straighten up; Walk forward without ever looking back.

Note: It’s imperative that you don’t look back.

That’ll Do, Horse

You will need: 1 shirt with tails; 1 serving horse dung; 1 available heating surface; 1 tight-lipped companion (pref. owes you money).

Instructions: Have companion secretly sneak horse leavings into your shirt tail; have companion secretly remove horse leavings from shirt tail; Have companion thoroughly cook horse leavings; eat horse leavings.

The Head over Heels

You will need: The ability to somersault.

Instructions: Somersault.

…and then the Faint Odor of Smoke

You will need: ½ Tsp. Gun Powder

Instructions: Eat gunpowder.

Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine. These are real folk remedies. Seriously.

Today’s ailment: headache

Noose Cure

You will need: The rope used to hang a person (preferably the rope a person used to hang him or herself)

Instructions: Wrap hanging rope around head.

Note: This cure is also effective against the conditions resulting from headaches, such as grey hair and baldness.

Cold Water Rub

You will need: A dish of cold water

Instructions: Place hand in water; Rub wet hand over head; Shake hand dry; Repeat as necessary. IMPORTANT! – If hand is not entirely dry before re-wetting, the next rub will reinsert headache into head.

Rattlesnake Cure

You will need: 697 rattlesnake rattles, 1 hat.

Instructions: Place rattlesnake rattles inside of hat’s sweatband; Wear hat.

Cornbreads

You will need: Cornbreads

Instructions: Wear cornbreads

Pocket Nut Stroker

You will need: 1 nut (any type); Pants with pockets.

Instructions: Put on pocketed pants; Place nut in side pocket (either); Place hand in same side pocket as nut; Continuously stroke nut.

Ear Smoke

You will need: 1 tobacco smoker (including tobacco smoking paraphernalia)

Instructions: Have smoker exhale tobacco smoke into patient’s ears.

Half Bath

You will need: 1 barrel; 1 thermometer; water

Instructions: Heat or cool water to 40 degrees farenheit; Stand in barrel; Add water to barrel until water-level reaches hips; bathe (alternately, swap steps 2 and 3 after performing volumetric displacement calculation)

Water Fire Cure

You will need: 1 bowl of water; 1 drinking glass; 3 napkins; matches (or lighter)

Instructions: Balance water bowl on patient’s head; Insert napkins into drinking glass; Ignite napkins; Place fire glass upside-down in head bowl

Note: remedy also effective against victims of evil eye

Bone Snuff

You will need: 1 moldy human skull

Instructions: Dry skull moss; Powder skull moss; Inhale skull moss

Pig Scare

You will need: Practiced deliverer of grotesque over-reactions

Instructions: Have over-reactor tell patient that he/she should have his/her head removed and thrown to hogs

(Note: cure is only effective if patient becomes angry)