How we plan to protect you from all the wicked evil demonic ghosts we’re going to capture

Posted by on July 23rd, 2010

Wicked Woods

So Justin Robert Young and I have been scoping out murder scenes, ancient burial grounds and sites of all out massacres in research for our Weird Things Live project (where we investigate paranormal phenomena in front of a live internet audience). On a recent moonlit night standing in the middle of a mass killing field I had an epiphany. What are we going to do when we make contact with some kind of demonic spirit that may have caused people to go on murderous rampages and infect the scene with some kind of contagious inter-dimensional gloom? We need protocols and stuff.

Sure, we’re skeptics and we don’t actually believe in ghosts and spirits, but to be scientific about it, we have to accept the possibility that our premise could be wrong and this stuff is pure concentrated wickedness. We have a moral imperative to do something when we come face to face with wicked evil supernatural forces. So I decided to develop a plan and protocol for capturing and containing all that evil we’re going to encounter for your entertainment pleasure. I’ll describe our method for the capturing process in a later post. Here I’ll describe how we plan to contain it for transport and permanent confinement.

Level 1: Ghosts aren’t real Our first level of protection is based upon the virtual scientific fact that ghosts aren’t real. While we’re confident this should protect us and you, it’s only our first defense.

Level 2: Physical confinement We’re going to use airtight glass jars to physically contain the malevolent spirits. If there is some unknown physical property to dark spirits (like some kind of intelligent airborne bacteria) this should help confine them inside a physical medium.

Level 3: Sacred ground Inside each jar we plan on putting dirt from some kind of sacred holy ground where spirits are able to chill out peacefully. Our plan is that this should contain the spirit long enough to transport it to our final containment area.

Level 4: Sacred seal Using the Egyptians as a guide, we’re going to seal the jar with some kind of inscription designed to keep evil spirits inside. As we know from movies, breaking sacred seals are a bad thing, so we’re going to get some and put them on our jars. So don’t break them.

Level 5: Super Evil Super Max We’ve staked out a couple of remote plots of land located near burial grounds. We plan to bury these jars of tortured souls in this resting spot that will then be festooned with a variety of religious artifacts. We plan on bringing in some kind of Holy Man (under blindfold) to consecrate the grounds. We also plan on creating a ring of powder and pouring holy water everywhere.

That’s just the starting point. Your suggestions are welcome. Our goal is to keep adding to our final resting spot of evil as we capture more spirits. For it to work we’re going to have to keep the actual location a very closely held secret. We don’t want some interlopers to stumble in there and unleash what may be the greatest concentration of evil ever.

If this sounds silly to you, ask yourself this: Would you want these jars filled with the presumed spirits of serial killers and maniacs under your bed at night? When asked if they’d briefly wear a sweater that belonged to a serial killer (dry cleaned no less) most people flat out refuse. I’m sure they’d be even less happy to have our jars buried in their garden.

7 Responses to “How we plan to protect you from all the wicked evil demonic ghosts we’re going to capture”

  1. xalidus Says:

    Thank you, Andrew Mayne and the Weird Things team.

    Thank you for being our first line of defense against the unknown horrors that will inevitably seek to do horrible and unknown things to each and every one of us.

    As for suggestions:
    For your own protection you could do the Hellboy method. Hellboy had the pouches of his belt filled with various items that were meant to protect him from various supernatural creatures. I'm sure you could mix together bits and pieces of various things that are said to harm, spook or ward off supernatural creatures and put it into a small pouch that you would carry with you. Maybe some bits of garlic, silver shavings, iron shavings, various holy symbols, and whatever else others might think is a good material to use against the supernatural. The presence of this protective pouch might keep the fiends from attacking, but if it doesn't you could just open the pouch and throw the contents at the creature. If that doesn't work don't blame me, blame Hellboy.

    When it comes time to trap spirits, Justin could sit down at a pottery wheel, making a coffee mug or something, while a boombox plays “Unchained Melody” by the Righteous Brother. The ghosts will not be able to resist, and will immediately seek to embrace him and guide his hands in the pottery making process. And then you trap the ghosts. As a bonus you get a coffee mug out of the deal.

    And if the jar isn't enough, and you're forced to fight the unholy terrors, bring a cooler with a spike made of frozen holy water. Even if you don't have to use it as a weapon you can break off pieces from the spike and use it to keep your drinks cool.

  2. karhax Says:

    Here is a few suggestions for protection:

    1. Draw a few Elder Signs, just in case.
    2. Wear some sort of tinfoil- or lead-lined hat to combat possible ghost mind control.
    3. I am not sure that glass is enough, I would probably go with some kind of metal container. Perhaps cover the surface of it in runes.

  3. GL Says:

    I can already see the catastrophic unholy terror that results in the future when an Evil Mega-Corporation bulldozes the containment site for fun and profit (despite the obvious protests), thereby unleashing hordes of angry, bored evil spirits on us all.

  4. Andrew Mayne Says:

    Is um, that the worst that could happen?

  5. Cameron Says:

    Any idea what this quest is going to be called? Just, you know, so I can update BBpedia.

  6. EbonNebula Says:

    You would also need some way to actually TRAP the spirits. Seriously, if we're agreeing that these are malicious demonic spirits that only exist to reap chaos, i doubt they'll get in the jar just because you ask nicely (i cite Little Nicky as proof). Maybe there should just be an app to outsmart demonic spirits… “iDanileWebster”.

  7. Andrew Mayne Says:

    As I said in the post, the capturing part will be explained in upcoming post.