Pine Trees, Calls To Satan, Salesman: 10 Sure Fire Olde Tyme Wart Cures

Posted by on April 20th, 2010

Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

skitched-20100420-145227.jpgToday’s ailment: WARTS

Old MacDonald had a Wart Fetish

You will need: 1 Farmer

Instructions: Have farmer rub wart with his/her rough, expert hand

Note: Creepy

Cat’s Eye (Not the Stephen King Movie) and Stump Water (Not the Southern Porn Star)

You will need: 1 Cat’s Eye; Stump Water

Instructions: Rub cat’s eye in stump water; Place cat’s eye against wart; Repeat until wart drops off

Tony Roma’s Black Magic Special

You will need: 1 Freshly Cut Steak

Instructions: Hold steak on wart; Spin entire body three times; Tell the wart to leave

Note: I would recommend using a Porterhouse. They contain more tenderloin than your standard T-Bone, and go great with a 2005 Taupenot-Merme Gevrey-Chambertin.

The Savvy Entrepreneur

You will need: A Quicksilver Tongue; Probably Some Sort of Printed Warranty

Instructions: Sell wart to someone

Note: Try farmers. They like warts. You know… like “like” like them…

I Think Kitt Complained About This On “Knight Rider”

You will need: 1 Can; 24 Pebbles; 1 Road

Instructions: Place pebbles in can; Put can in middle of road; Wart will heal five days after first car runs over can

Note: I might be thinking of Air Wolf complaining about the UTI cure where you throw potatoes at helicopters

This’ll Piss Off Vampires AND Loraxes

You will need: 1 Knife; Non-essential Pine Tree

Instructions: Cut the shape of cross into wart; Cut the shape of cross into pine tree; Never return to tree.


You will need: 1 Cemetery; Unfaltering Allegiance to Dark Lord

Instructions: Visit fresh grave; Call on Satan to remove wart

Note: If he’s unsuccessful in removing your wart, you get a free Satan t-shirt. Last year’s featured a picture of Satan.

If You Know What This Means, You’re Probably Already Doing It

You will need: The Yellow Stuff that Comes Out of a Crushed Fly’s Stomach

Instructions: Rub yellow stuff on wart

Covert Cheese Funeral

You will need: 1 Piece of Cheese; 1 Accomplice

Instructions: Rub wart with cheese; Have accomplice secretly bury cheese


…At Least People Will Forget About Your Horrible Wart

You will need: A Powerful Voice

Instructions: Howl at moon; Politely answer all nice policeman’s questions

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