This past Friday North Korea announced a new “Super Drink” that purports to give consumers a longer and healthier life.  The drink is made from 30 different plants and contains 60 different “micro-elements” to allegedly  multiply brain cells, reduce geriatric diseases, protect skin, and reduce the effects of aging.

This is all according to the North Korean Government’s news agency so stay skeptical, but the product does claim no side-effects. Considering it’s basically a bunch of plants thrown in a blender that’s probably true, but don’t be surprised if you start glowing in the dark from either awesome new super powers or radiation poisioning.

Who wants to try it first?

[BBC]

Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

Today’s ailment: Indigestion

The Belly Button Breathalyzer

You will need: Brandy; 1 drinker of brandy.

Instructions: Have brandy drinker swallow a mouthful of his/her favorite brandy; Immediately have brandy drinker blow onto your tummy; Repeat as desired by brandy drinker.

The Triple Threat

You will need: 1 small piece of a willow tree; 1 little chunk of misc. bone; 1 slice of an animal’s pelt.

Instructions: Eat willow fragment, bone shard and pelt niblet.

Note: This cure is most effective in children.

The Pit Snort

You will need: 1 musty armpit.

Instructions: Heartily inhale the armpit’s vaporous must.

That’ll Do, Pig

You will need: 1 serving of pig excrement.

Instructions: Eat pig excrement.

Note: Tummy aches are caused by an unnatural cooling of the stomach. Swine droppings help to dial the gastrointestinal thermostat back up to a healthy swelter.

The Ad Hoc Pie-Hole Surveyor

You will need: 1 thumb (yours); 1 mouth (yours).

Instructions: Using the thumb as a ruler, measure the length and width of your mouth; Repeat 5x.

Gizzard Dander Num-Nums

You will need: 1 chicken gizzard.

Instructions: Separate gizzard lining from gizzard; Dry gizzard lining; Powder gizzard lining; Eat gizzard lining.

Note: Also effective with carrier pigeon gizzard.

The Rock and Walk

You will need: 1 large open space; 1 rock.

Instructions: Approach rock; Bend over; Flip rock; Straighten up; Walk forward without ever looking back.

Note: It’s imperative that you don’t look back.

That’ll Do, Horse

You will need: 1 shirt with tails; 1 serving horse dung; 1 available heating surface; 1 tight-lipped companion (pref. owes you money).

Instructions: Have companion secretly sneak horse leavings into your shirt tail; have companion secretly remove horse leavings from shirt tail; Have companion thoroughly cook horse leavings; eat horse leavings.

The Head over Heels

You will need: The ability to somersault.

Instructions: Somersault.

…and then the Faint Odor of Smoke

You will need: ½ Tsp. Gun Powder

Instructions: Eat gunpowder.

Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine. These are real folk remedies. Seriously.

Today’s ailment: headache

Noose Cure

You will need: The rope used to hang a person (preferably the rope a person used to hang him or herself)

Instructions: Wrap hanging rope around head.

Note: This cure is also effective against the conditions resulting from headaches, such as grey hair and baldness.

Cold Water Rub

You will need: A dish of cold water

Instructions: Place hand in water; Rub wet hand over head; Shake hand dry; Repeat as necessary. IMPORTANT! – If hand is not entirely dry before re-wetting, the next rub will reinsert headache into head.

Rattlesnake Cure

You will need: 697 rattlesnake rattles, 1 hat.

Instructions: Place rattlesnake rattles inside of hat’s sweatband; Wear hat.

Cornbreads

You will need: Cornbreads

Instructions: Wear cornbreads

Pocket Nut Stroker

You will need: 1 nut (any type); Pants with pockets.

Instructions: Put on pocketed pants; Place nut in side pocket (either); Place hand in same side pocket as nut; Continuously stroke nut.

Ear Smoke

You will need: 1 tobacco smoker (including tobacco smoking paraphernalia)

Instructions: Have smoker exhale tobacco smoke into patient’s ears.

Half Bath

You will need: 1 barrel; 1 thermometer; water

Instructions: Heat or cool water to 40 degrees farenheit; Stand in barrel; Add water to barrel until water-level reaches hips; bathe (alternately, swap steps 2 and 3 after performing volumetric displacement calculation)

Water Fire Cure

You will need: 1 bowl of water; 1 drinking glass; 3 napkins; matches (or lighter)

Instructions: Balance water bowl on patient’s head; Insert napkins into drinking glass; Ignite napkins; Place fire glass upside-down in head bowl

Note: remedy also effective against victims of evil eye

Bone Snuff

You will need: 1 moldy human skull

Instructions: Dry skull moss; Powder skull moss; Inhale skull moss

Pig Scare

You will need: Practiced deliverer of grotesque over-reactions

Instructions: Have over-reactor tell patient that he/she should have his/her head removed and thrown to hogs

(Note: cure is only effective if patient becomes angry)