Die Hard 5: Insurance Fraudier [Weirdest Murders]

Posted by on June 30th, 2010

Everyday this week…Brett Rounsaville brings us the Weirdest Murders ever committed.

I’m going to be honest here folks, today’s story not only feels like a strong early contender for the number one spot in this week’s Weird Off…but may also retroactively take away Wenseslao Moguel’s title from the Weirdest Survival Stories Weird Off of two weeks ago. (Is it just me or was that an awful lot of ‘W’ words for one sentence?)

Michael Malloy was once known as the most durable man in history…of course, he was also once known as the town drunk, a hopeless alcoholic and a strong candidate to drink himself to death. So naturally, five friends took it upon themselves to take out a series of life insurance policies that would pay out the exorbitant sum of $3500 in the event of Malloy’s accidental death. (I should mention this all happened in 1933, so that’s almost $60,000 in real money.)

Since no one likes to stake their financial gains on chance, these five guys decided nature might need a little helping hand and started referring to themselves as the Murder Trust. It all started out innocent enough (Relatively speaking. Don’t get me wrong, they were trying to kill some homeless drunk for pecuniary gain.) with one of the Murder Trust offering Malloy an unlimited tab at a speakeasy in an effort to speed up the whole drinking himself to death process.

Apparently that just wasn’t getting the job done…so they started switching out alcohol for antifreeze.

Didn’t work.



Horse liniment?


Rat poison?!

Thanks to an iron stomach (and no taste buds?), he just kept coming back for more.

In an effort to up their game the Murder Trust started feeding him methanol soaked oysters and spoiled sardine sandwiches mixed with poison. (That’s the one that gets me. I’ve had sardines out of a can before and they almost put me down for the count…and those weren’t even arsenic flavored.)

Bottom-line: When all that did was give Malloy a shinier winter coat (I have no reason to believe that’s true.) things got serious.

One night when temperatures dropped to below zero the five really-wish-we-could-be-murderers fed our hero drinks until he passed out, dumped him in the nearest snow bank, took off his shirt and dumped five gallons of water on his chest. And finally, FINALLY, after Malloy died a miserable, frozen death, they were able to collect their ill-gotten gains.

Just kidding. He showed up at the bar the next day looking for a drink.

Eventually they settled on a more direct approach and just ran him over with a taxi. Once they set out to collect their ill-gotten gains however, they found it was difficult to prove his death without the body. Luckily, it mysteriously showed up at the bar three weeks later…asking for a drink. It seems they at least managed to hospitalize Malloy for almost a month on that attempt. Way to make progress, murderers!

Okay, for reals this time, they finally did, really for real, no take backs, kill him on their next attempt by sticking a gas hose in his mouth after he passed out drunk one night and successfully collected the policy…only to get busted by police because they couldn’t stop telling their friends the crazy story after a few drinks.

Final score: Michael Malloy 10; Murder Trust 1

Weird enough? What do you think? Was the Murder Trust doing it all wrong or was Michael Malloy really the toughest hobo who ever lived?

4 Responses to “Die Hard 5: Insurance Fraudier [Weirdest Murders]”

  1. Curtis Laraque Says:

    this. is. insane.

    …and i don't know what you're talking about, sardines from the can are great. Hater.

  2. Michael Hogan Says:

    I don't know if he over throws El Fuselado. While poisons are deady, they just don't have the same kind of weird punch as 10 bullets. I think Chumbawamba really sets things apart through.

    And if you think about it they only really tried poison on him. I mean, its not like they tried to stab him, enough cyanide to kill 5 people, shooting him in the back, hit three more times in the back, clubbed, castrate him, and then thowing him into the froze river out side. Only to have him die from the drowning.

    Now honestly I think I am cheating a bit with how popular this guy is.

    Meet Girgori Rasputin, or as I like to call him Russian Superman.

    His whole murder story starts when a former prostitute stabbed him in the gut with a knife. Even though his guts were everywhere on the floor doctors were able to save him and give him super powers or something. After a large rep boost from this a lot of people took him on as a advisor. When some people thought that he had to much power so they tried to kill him. They took him down into the basement and feed him cake and wine laced with enough cyanide to kill 5 people. Naturally he just shrugged this off and went off on his merry way.

    They then tried to shoot him in the back with a revolver. After hitting the floor Rasputin got up and started to strangle his attacker. The guys buddies then shoot him three more times. After seeing that he was still not dead they clubbed him and castrated him, just in case he got better. They then wrapped him in a carpet and threw him into a frozen river.

    Two more things make this story really really weird. When they recovered the body they found out that he died because he drowned in the river. They also found marks on his hands that suggest that he was trying to claw his way out of the ice.

    After he was buried some groupies of Saint Petersburg decided to uncover and burn the remains, obviously thinking that he might still make it in the ground. While he was burning the body sat up and tried to get out of the fire.


    Once again I might be cheating a bit by going with such a popular story, but that if what you get for trying to take over Fuselado and his damn song that is still stuck in my head ;p

  3. Brett Rounsaville Says:

    Wow, Michael! That was practically an entire article! Great job! Does this mean you're gunning for my job?

  4. Brett Rounsaville Says:

    I agree wholeheartedly on the insane part…but I'll fight to the death to defend my dislike of canned sardines. 🙂