Jason has killed a lot of folks with a lot of different tools. His victims may wonder, “Who is this man? And why is he murdering me?” Meanwhile, we the viewers want to know, “What is that tool he’s using? And what’s its history?”

Wonder no longer.

Today: Syringe

As used by Jason in: Friday the 13 Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

Victim(s): Gang Banger 1

Nobody likes getting a shot. But also, nobody likes getting shot. Now pretend you have to choose one or the other. See? Shots aren’t that bad. (That clever word joke has inspired me to write a book where a killer “shoots” people with an injection of molten copper that he got by melting bullets. “.44 caliber… 10ccs… 1 chance of survival… 0 if you don’t already have liquid metal for blood… Sharpshooter!”) The earliest syringes date back to ancient Rome, where they were used to treat medical complications. Additionally, many Romanologists agree that “Roman Syringe” would have been a good title for an “In Utero”-era Nirvana b-side.

A syringe doesn’t necessarily include a needle – “Syringe” merely refers to the body of the tool, including a plunger, barrel and nozzle. In ancient Egypt, for example, primitive syringes were used to suck cataracts off of people’s eyes. In fact, before the advent of syringes, medical licensing exams included a hickey test that judged a doctoral candidate’s oral suction capacity, as cataracts had to be removed via traditional mouth suckage. In the liquid substance industry, hoses are attached to syringes, which are then used to draw liquid substances out of barrels.

DID YOU KNOW THAT union policy dictates that all syringe liquid substance-drawing assignments be based on the seniority of the team member? A 35-yearer might get to syringe out the barrel of chocolate syrup. The 5-yearer probably has to syringe out the barrel of tomato juice (I wanted to say scorpion eggs, but they shovel those). DO YOU KNOW WHAT kind of factory uses those ingredients? SOMEONE TOLD ME it was a shoe factory. DO YOU THINK they’d let me taste some of the chocolate syrup? I’M hungry.

Get the rest of the lesson AFTER THE JUMP…

(more…)

Jason has killed a lot of folks with a lot of different tools. His victims may wonder, “Who is this man? And why is he murdering me?” Meanwhile, we the viewers want to know, “What is that tool he’s using? And what’s its history?”

Wonder no longer.

Today: Meat Cleaver

As used by Jason in: Friday the 13th Part 3; Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter; Friday the 13th: A New Beginning

Victim(s): Harold; Jimmy; Junior Hubbard, Ethel Hubbard, Jake

A cleaver is a big square knife. (Not square like the kid who sits behind you and talks about taking his guinea pig on vacation with him; square like the head of the kid in front of you who has a giant square head and everyone calls him “nipple finger” because, also, one of his fingers is all messed up and looks like a nipple.) Staring at a meat cleaver, you might think “Don’t cut me with that! It looks sharp!” To which I would reply, “Actually, it’s rather blunt. Cleavers aren’t like most kitchen knives, which are made from very hard steel and designed to gently, but precisely, slice. Cleavers are made from soft steel and designed to violently chop, using the power put behind the knife to forcefully propel the blade through sinew and bone.” “Okay, okay!” you’d reply, “Just please don’t cut me, mister!” “Then shut your mouth and hand over the emerald spider” I’d yell. Then you’d toss me the emerald spider and I’d return it to the museum and you’d escape from the police but then die from the Curse of the Emerald Spider. And as you died, you’d whisper “Ugh! I’ve been killed by ‘the Curse of the Emerald Spider’” because people like it when characters say the title of the movie.

STORY TIME! (Cleavers appear throughout Zen Chinese lore) Once upon time, an unskilled knifesmith was watching a professional butcher cut up ox carcasses. “How do you do that?” he asked the butcher, to which the butcher replied, “Instead of cutting through the bones, I cut between the bones.” “No, I meant the way you’re sitting.” The first man replied. “Oh. I’m quadruple jointed.” HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Speaking of China, many stupid gringos refer to a Chinese chef’s knife as a “Chinese cleaver.” I guess they look sort of similar… IF YOU’RE RETARDED! The Chinese chef’s knife has the same thin structure as a general-purpose American kitchen knife, and is primarily used to cut vegetables or boneless meats. The reason for this is China’s exorbitant bone tax. By the time animals are mature enough to be slaughtered for food, they’ve already paid most of their bones to the government in order to avoid being killed for sexual pleasure by jailed sex criminals who receive delinquent animals in exchange for good behavior. The amorphous, obstacle-free structure of dutiful taxpayers makes mass food production easier, and also reduces transportation costs by ensuring that livestock can be stuffed into, and blown through, pneumatic tubing. Meanwhile, the government has a steady supply of animal bones for their secret project. (Some people think it’s a skeleton boat.)

STORY TIME! (Cleavers appear throughout Zen Chinese lore) Once upon a time, a frustrated peasant asked Confucius to explain why the philosopher was always discouraging commoners from emulating the habits of the wealthy. Confucius responded, “Why use an ox-cleaver to carve a chicken?” “Because I’m effing poor,” responded the peasant, “and I can’t afford a good chicken knife.” “Then I shall make you a chicken knife by pulling metals out of the Earth and shaping them with my mind, like how Magneto makes his chicken knives in X-Men.” All Confucius asked in exchange for the knife was a chicken dinner, but the man refused and so Confucius wrapped him up in synthetic webbing, explaining, “This is like in Spiderman.” HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Try crushing a bunch of garlic cloves with the flat side of a hard, slicing knife.

Whoops! The blade cracked. That was your parents’ best knife! It cost, like, $200! What were you thinking?! It’s from William Sonoma. That means it was the Pre-Jay-Z-boycott Cristal of knives! You are in so much trouble! Oh my God!

But wait… hold my hand and with one lick of my Time Patch…

We’re back before you broke the knife. Now – try crushing a bunch of garlic cloves with the flat side of a cleaver.

Look at that! The softer steel and wide shape of the cleaver blade makes it perfect for crushing things. Whoops! You’re parents were saving that garlic for their turn on neighborhood vampire patrol tomorrow. I guess they’re going to get turned into vampires and then come back here and kill you and you’re sisters.

Sorry, I only have one more lick before the Time Patch runs out and I want to be able to see Spoon twice without having to drive all the way to Boston. Yeah, no, they’re awesome live.

STORY TIME! (Cleavers appear throughout Zen Chinese lore) Once upon a time, a taxpaying pig slid all the way to the Chinese capitol and asked the Duke of China what the government was doing with all of his bones, “Secret project.” Replied the Duke. “And the bones of my family?” asked the pig. “Secret project.” Replied the Duke. “And the bones of my friends?” “Secret project.” “And the bones of my enemies?” asked the pig. The Duke put placed his hands on his hips. “We put those in a big hole and spit on them for fun. And pee on them.” “Oh.” Said the pig, smiling, and painfully slid away. Later, one of the Duke’s closest aides asked the Duke, “Why did you lie to that pig and tell him that his enemies’ bones didn’t go to the secret project?” To which the Duke replied, “Because I wanted him to leave. Duh! It was, like, a strategy. That pit thing sounds pretty good, though. Get some people on that. I wanna pee on some bones.” HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Thank you, Jason, for helping us learn through murder.

Join me again soon for another thrilling installment of Jason Vorhees’ Arsenal!

Jason has killed a lot of folks with a lot of different tools. His victims may wonder, “Who is this man? And why is he murdering me?” Meanwhile, we the viewers want to know, “What is that tool he’s using? And what’s its history?”

Wonder no longer.

Today: Speargun

As used by Jason in: Friday the 13th Part 3; Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Victim(s): Vera Sanchez; Paul

Spears don’t just throw themselves. And why should you have to do it?! A speargun puts you a single drunken trigger nudge away from the zesty satisfaction that comes from shooting a spear at something. Some spearguns have a small buoy attached to the spear. After you shoot a big, stupid fish, this buoy helps subdue it, and lets other boat captains know that there might be a diver in the water retrieving a subdued fish. If a boat captain runs over a spearfishing diver, PETA gives him a chocolate chip cookie. In the 1960s, all the spearfishermen got together like in The Warriors and tried to have spearfishing added to the Olympics like in Spearfishing Bronze: Austria’s Shame, starring Robert Patrick. Unfortunately, nobody could dig it.

RAD LIB! In the [adjective] movie [porno title], James [formal contract to repay borrowed money with interest at fixed intervals] used a speargun to [verb] a bunch of SPECTRE [plural noun], and also probably to [verb] a woman’s [noun] for, like, [number larger than 17] hours.

European speargun users traditionally prefer rear-handle spearguns. American speargun users traditionally prefer mid-handle spearguns. Every speargun users puts a blonde wig on his speargun before taking it into the bedroom. South African speargun designers have improved upon speargun design by doing something with a rail or something. Anyway, speargun users were happy about it because the rail is scratch-and-sniff and comes in hot cinnamon roll or cherry bubble gum. A lot of people get spearguns confused with harpoon guns. Spear gun users make fun of these people, so if you have any doubts, just call it a fish popper. If you’re fish popper’s mounted to the boat, though, it’s probably a harpoon gun.

RAD LIB! After [your name] Bond gave [female senator] the biggest [type of orgasm] since the [period of the Cenozoic era], Bond meets with [letter of the alphabet], who gives him a [noun] that turns into a [animal], a [marital aid] that’s actually a [sex toy] and a [racial slur] that explodes when you [swear word] him.

Look up in the sky. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s… a plane. It’s a plane. In 1994, FedEx employee Auburn Calloway sneaked spearguns into the future. Air spears! Calloway, who was facing dismissal from his job after a supervisor discovered some half-truths on his resume (he was actually Bruce Wayne’s in-house chocolatier’s apprentice), boarded a FedEx flight with hammers, a grudge and a speargun and set about hijacking the plane in the name of life insurance fraud. Fortunately, the swarthy crewmates managed to subdue Calloway with help from the buoy attached to the spear. Or they just beat the crap out of him, landed the plane and called the police. Either way, PETA gave everyone macadamia nut cookies. Except Calloway, obviously. No cookie for Calloway.

RAD LIB! Finally, [cereal mascot] used the speargun to [past tense verb] the head of [clever acronym] in his [adjective] [synonym for wiener]. Then he [past tense verb] 6 [plural type of storage container] of [imaginary creature that isn’t a griffin] blood and invented a new sex position called Amazon [construction vehicle] [predatory mammal] [type of natural disaster].
Thank you, Jason, for helping us learn through murder.

Join me again soon for another thrilling installment of Jason Vorhees’ Arsenal!

Jason has killed a lot of folks with a lot of different tools. His victims may wonder, “Who is this man? And why is he murdering me?” Meanwhile, we the viewers want to know, “What is that tool he’s using? And what’s its history?”

Wonder no longer.

Today: Road Flare

As used by Jason in: Friday the 13th: A New Beginning

Victim(s): Vinnie (Lit flare is forced into his mouth)

What do you get when you cross strontium nitrate with a bunch of boring crap? That’s right! Andrei Tarkovsky’s “Solaris” covered in strontium nitrate! I would have also accepted “the Arctic (or Indian) ocean filled with strontium nitrate!” “A road flare!” or “Lunchables!” Yup. Typical red-flamed road flares ignite and burn by way of strontium nitrate mixed with a stupid fuel source like dumb sawdust. Or moronic charcoal. Or something extra retarded called a “polymeric resin.” Most flares ignite at around 375 °F and burn at a wicked pissa hot 3,000 °F – the exact temperature of Satan’s bones (for this reason, most Mormon’s refuse to use them).

YOU CAN DRAW SORT OF! Some people have gone as far as to call strontium nitrate “The Best Nitrate” due to its use as the colorant in red fireworks. Can you draw red fireworks? Good. Can you label the picture “fireworks” so people don’t think I asked you to draw a bunch of buttholes? Perfect. Now, go ahead and draw a butthole next to the fireworks. It’s okay. People will just think it’s another firework. Really, though, it’s a butthole. And the butthole is watching fireworks.

What you know as “road flares,” your dead hobo grandparents knew as “fusees” (or “railroad flares”). On ye olde raily ways, when no one had radios and everything was crashing into everything else and then catching on fire and exploding, a train travelling an unsignaled line would drop flares to announce its existence to the train behind it. If that train encountered a burning flare, they stopped until the flare went out. Often, a conductor would use this time to quickly grope as many sleeping passengers as possible. Conductors would share their numerical groping stats with other conductors at the conductor bar. The conductor with the most gropes from a single flare wait won a day off. This is where we get the phrase “groper’s holiday.”

YOU CAN DRAW SORT OF! Railroad flares had spikes attached to them so they could be embedded in wooden railroad ties. Draw whatever you were actually thinking about when I was telling you that boring fact. Extra points if it has more than eight nipples or fewer than one head.

Road flares are also used to prevent forest fires via controlled burns – li’l baby fires ignited to clear away excess plant debris and keep fire breaks intact. Flares are also used in backfiring, a wildfire fighting technique that employs localized, low-intensity blazes, which burn off a progressing fire’s potential fuel sources. Like Smokey the Bear says: “Only you can prevent forest fires. And sometimes that means setting forest fires. But don’t set forest fires. Unless they’re the type of forest fires that actually prevent the other, non-preventative forest fires and… ugh. I tell you what – how about everyone just lights fires in sets of three and we’ll just count on it sorting itself out.”

YOU CAN DRAW SORT OF! Fighting fire with fire! That’s crazy! But sometimes it works. Draw a scene where something you’re afraid of is defeated using more of that thing. Examples might include an erupting volcano placed upside-down on top of a second erupting volcano so the volcanoes just erupt into one another, 2 police lieutenants shooting each other in the face, or something with two sandwiches. Maybe they have flare guns.

You tell me it’s a firework exploding a firework, but all I see is two buttholes inhaling each other.

Thank you, Jason, for helping us learn through murder.

Join me again soon for another thrilling installment of Jason Vorhees’ Arsenal!

Jason has killed a lot of folks with a lot of different tools. His victims may wonder, “Who is this man? And why is he murdering me?” Meanwhile, we the viewers want to know, “What is that tool he’s using? And what’s its history?”

Wonder no longer.

Today: Ice Pick

As used by Jason in: “Friday the 13th Part II” and “Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning”

Victim(s): Alice Hardy, Les (during Tommy’s dream sequence)

Refrigerators are everywhere! My house… your house… your friends’ houses. Your teacher might even have one! But that didn’t used to be the case. Back before people had evolved the ability to invent refrigerators, everyone used ice boxes – unwieldy food preservation cabinets that had to be regularly restocked with fresh blocks of ice that folks bought from merchants called icemen (sorry, girls. There weren’t any actual icewomen. That’s just something daddies call mommies who have headaches). To shape an ice block to box size – or to chip off some cubes to cool down some tasty lemonade – people used ice picks. An ice pick is a sharp, wooden-handled tool that resembles a scratch awl.

Oh. In that case, picture a stitching awl with a straight point.

Really? May I ask what kind of awl you can picture?

Nope. Forget it.

It’s nothing like that kind of awl.

FUN WITH YOUR PARENTS’ STUFF! Breaking ice without an ice pick can be really hard! Try it! All you need are ice cubes and some of your PARENTS’ STUFF! Try crushing the ice with your mother’s jewelry box or the butt of your father’s handgun… try to chip it on the computer keyboard or smack it with the buckle of the Time Out Belt… try as hard you can to break it against the big window in the living room. See why ice picks were so useful?

Sure, ice picks were named ice picks because of their ice picking ability, but they can pick other things, too – human brains, for example! Walter Freeman, a famous neurologist (just a fancy word for “head shaman”), used ice picks to lobotomize (just a fancy word for “calm down”) the mentally insane. Freeman customized a van, which he called the “lobotomobile,” and set off on a nationwide mental hospital tour, during which he taught multiple doctors how to perform his violent and irreversible procedure – place an ice pick through the corner of the eye socket and, to quote the ‘50s pop sensation “Dr. Freeman Boogie,” “smack it like a broken Polaroid camera.” Soon, though, lobotomies went the way of the ice box as powerful neuroleptics like Thorazine took the psychiatric industry by storm.

FUNOLOGY PROJECT! How do you think lobotomized patients were treated? Probably not very nice! Try acting lobotomized around your family and friends, and see how they treat you. It’s easy! Tone down your personality. Quietly fiddle with random objects. Turn off your ability to love. Periodically soil yourself. CHALLENGE! How long can you keep it up for? A week? A month? Remember: science is all about the gathering of unrecorded, subjective data by way of long-running, secret deceptions (just a fancy word for “fun”).

Families… head shamans… who else used ice picks? Good question! Have you ever heard of Murder, Inc.? Well, Murder, Inc. was a group of steel-balled Italians and Jews who performed contract killings for the National Crime Syndicate between 1920 and 1940. Some of these Mafia hit men liked ice picks almost as much as Dr. Freeman liked lobotomizing the insane. Abe “Kid Twist” Reles and Harry “Pittsburgh Phil” Strauss, well known members of Murder, Inc., both considered the ice pick their go-to goomba-elimination tool. Human bone is no match for the shattering force of an enthusiastically swung pick! You may have heard that Bolshevik revolutionary Leon Trotsky met his fate at the business end of Stalinist-wielded ice pick. Untrue! Trotsky was actually killed by an ice axe, which is like a super-sized ice pick designed to lobotomize thawed-out dinosaurs.

CONTEST! What sort of weapons would you use if you were an assassin working for Murder, Inc.? What if you worked for the KGB? How about Yakuza? Draw each weapon on a sheet of 8.5 x 11 paper, along with an illustration of yourself using the weapon, and mail each of them to: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, DC 20500. The more entries you send, the better your chance of winning!

Thank you, Jason, for helping us learn through murder.

Join me again soon for another thrilling installment of Jason Vorhees’ Arsenal!

Jason has killed a lot of folks with a lot of different tools. His victims may wonder, “Who is this man? And why is he murdering me?” Meanwhile, we the viewers want to know, “What is that tool he’s using? And what’s its history?”

Wonder no longer.

Today: Barbed Wire

As used by Jason in: Friday the 13th Part II

Victim(s): Crazy Ralph (garroted)

Barbed wire, a twisted metal line boasting sharp points at evenly spaced intervals, was once the ultimate frontier in affordable fencing. Before it became commercially available in the late 19th century, American ranchers contained their livestock using a thorny, high-maintenance plant called Osage Orange, while, in Germany, the earliest vestiges of the National Socialist Party imprisoned Jews in cumbersome icicle jails. Thanks to Lucien Smith, who copyrighted the concept in 1867, and Joseph Glidden, who parlayed the idea into a shiny, affordable fencing material, notions like escape and freedom became the rusty old clutter of yesteryear.

Q: What did the migrating, half-frozen cows say to the southwestern ranchers during the winter of 1885?

A: “Wire you doing this to us?”!

That’s right! Crazy Ralph wasn’t the only one who didn’t like having barbed wire slicing into his fat neck. The 1880s were host to a bovine tragedy referred to by cowpokes as “The Big Die Up.” What with all the competing ranchers ranchin’ and nemesis farmers farmin’, the landscape was criss-crossed and strung-dangled with so much barbed wire, that, come freezing winter weather, southbound migrating cattle found their moseys halted by fence after impassable fence. Ranchers couldn’t afford to let the out-of-towners graze their land and farmers didn’t want to lose their crops to the certified rager that was Livestock Spring Break ‘85, and, as a result, an unprecedented number of cattle died in the thorny maze that had once been the wide open American West. (There was one hero cow that made it all the way to Mexico, liberating hundreds of other cows along the way, but he was shot to death in Sabinas after impregnating the youngest daughter of a famous Vaquero.)

Q: In 1915, what was the most popular extra-curricular activity for allied soldiers at the Western Front?

A: Fencing Club!

Yuppers! Both German and allied troops lined the outside of their trenches with strands and coils of readily available, easily replaced barbed wire, much of which was specially designed to have an unbroken series of points. So everyone hand grenaded and machine gunned each other into a bloody slush until, finally, tanks were introduced in 1918 and crushed that barbed wire right quick. Fortunately, the Nazis still found a use for it during WWII, when the Gestapo made sure to confiscate all of the Jews’ tanks before imprisoning them in electrified-barbed-wire-surrounded prison camps.

Q: What did the imprisoned Jews call the fence-happy concentration camp guards?

A: BARBarians!

The legacy of barbed wire lives on into modern times – often in the form of barbed tape (AKA razor wire), a sharp-edged human deterrent favored by mental hospitals, prisons and Juggalos.

Thank you, Jason, for helping us learn through murder.

Join me again soon for another thrilling installment of Jason Vorhees’ Arsenal!

Jason has killed a lot of folks with a lot of different tools. His victims may wonder, “Who is this man? And why is he murdering me?” Meanwhile, we the viewers want to know, “What is that tool he’s using? And what’s its history?”

Wonder no longer.

Today: Pitchfork

As used by Jason in: Friday the 13th Part III

Victim(s): Fox (throat stab), Loco (chest stab)

The pitchfork is a classic agricultural tool known for its long, sturdy handle and sharp, unyielding tines. These handy farming implements first became common in the middle ages, when the entire tool, including its pointy end bits, were fashioned out of wood.

Guess what! All sorts of crazy materials have been used to make pitchforks – Alloys. Iron. Even bamboo! I would like a bamboo pitchfork. What kind do you want?

If the sight of Jason driving these tines deep into the chest of that incorrigible Loco feels more naturalistic than his spear gun attacks or that part in Jason X with the liquid nitrogen, it’s because the pitchfork is a classic weapon of the blue-collar striver. Farmers who couldn’t afford guns, but used pitchforks to lift and pitch hay or grapes or dung, would often repurpose these pronged implements to lift and pitch The Man as if he were just another dung-soaked hay bale sitting atop a pile of grapes. Look no further than every angry mob scene ever to see how a mud-caked pitchfork sits in the hands of a downtrodden irate homesteader as snugly as a washboard in the skilled mitts of a jug band percussionist. So don’t be stealing no pumpkins now, y’hear?

Guess what! In England, pitchforks are called “prongs.” In Ireland, four-tined prongs are called “sprongs.” I call pitchforks “jabbies.” What do you call them?

In many works of cartoon art, the devil is shown to brandish a pitchfork, which he uses to poke angels in the butt. Tempting as it is to draw wild conclusions about the religious elite propagating images linking Satan to a dirty working-class heritage, it’s more likely that the devil’s pitchfork is actually modeled after the mystical tridents used by certain Greek deities, and by Shiva the Destroyer.

Guess what! Old time populist leaders often used images of, or references to, pitchforks in order to garner support from the common folk. In the late 1800s, South Carolina’s would-be governer campaigned using the delightful nickname “Pitchfork Ben.” My pitchfork nickname would be “Pitchfork Matt.” What would yours be?

Thank you, Jason, for helping us learn through murder.

Join me again soon for another thrilling installment of Jason Vorhees’ Arsenal!