Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

Today’s ailment: Fever

Zeus’ Toolbox

You will need: 1 THUNDER AXE (Symmetrical Double-Headed Axe)
Instructions: Use THUNDER AXE
Note: Use caution when operating THUNDER AXE

From The Country That Gave You The Blood Of Kali…

You will need: Water; Dirt Collected From Tomb Of St. Thomas In Chennai, India
Instructions: Mix water and holy grave dirt; Drink

Neptune’s Formalwear Accessory

You will need: 1 Seahorse (fresh or dried)
Instructions: Fasten seahorse to left arm
Note: If you think it looks weird having a seahorse attached to only one of you arms, use THUNDER AXE to remove other arm

Sweet, Merciful Oats

You will need: 1 Pious Neighbor; 1 Dish; Grain
Instructions: Place grain in dish; Instruct pious neighbor to pray over grain
Note: Works best for fevers caused by “ill wishers”

The Cure Is Worse Than The Disease (9 End Pieces Worse)

You will need: 9 Loaves of Bread
Instructions: Eat first slice from each loaf

Repentance Of The Drunken Steel (Preventative)

You will need: 1 Wine-Soaked Sword Formerly Used To Decapitate A Man
Instructions: Touch sword
Note: If you don’t have such a sword, make one! All you need is a regular sword, a man, a steady arm and wine

Audubon’s Last Resort

You will need: 1 Bag; 1 String; 1 Tub of Cold Water; 1 Live Eagle
Instructions: Clip nails; Place clippings in bag; Tie bag around eagle’s neck; Hold eagle in tub of water; When eagle becomes sick, fever will dissipate

3k Exorcism Dash

You will need: 1 Garter; 1 Koorsboom Tree
Instructions: Compel fever spirits to leave body and enter garter;
Tie garter around Koorsboom tree; run from Koorsboom tree without once looking back
Note: fever can also be driven into a Fedora, which should then be placed on a baby bear

Woah! Shell Shock!

You will need: 1 Live Turtle; Pepper; Incense
Instructions: Cut open live turtle; Rub insides with pepper and incense; Apply to feet
Note: Cure is most likely to work if selected turtle’s demeanor is cool, but also rude

Larva THIS, Buttface! (Preventative)

You will need: 1 Righteous Loogie; 1 Hairy Caterpillar
Instructions: Spit on caterpillar; Say, “Take that!” (optional)

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