Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

Today’s ailment: Boils

“Shotgun!”

You will need: A Glass of Water; Buckshot
Instructions: Place buckshot into water; Drink water
Note: Substitute water with kerosene to make Ted Nugent’s hangover cure.

White Elephant

You will need: 1 Stick
Instructions: Smear boil pus on stick; Place stick on ground; Boils will transfer to first person who picks up stick
Note: Be careful not to procure your stick in an area frequented by other boil-sufferers lest your attempt at a cure result in the acquisition of additional boils via someone else’s discarded pus branch.

The Last Kind Act of a Burgeoning Serial Killer

You will need: 1 Disturbed Child, 1 Steinbeckian Retard Who Loves All Things, But, Tragically, Does Not Understand His Own Strength, Or Anyone Else Who Has Crushed A Mole To Death With His Or Her Bare Hands

Instructions: Have mole crusher touch boil with hand used for mole crushing

Like Peas in a Pot

You will need: 1 Pot; Peas; Water
Instructions: Fill pot with water; Drop into water one pea for every boil; Hide pot; Never tell anyone about pot
Note: The CIA entrance exam uses the standardized question “When curing your boils, where did you hide your pea pot?” to immediately eliminate unfit applicants; anyone who answers is immediately ineligible for covert government service.

An Inarguably Impressive Bird-To-Stone Ratio

You will need: 1 Saw
Instructions: Amputate afflicted limb

The Alabama Limbo

You will need: An arching bramble grown into soil on both ends

Instructions: Crawl beneath bramble

Note: This cure is only officially considered “Alabama Limbo” if the bramble thorns meet the minimum regulation 2 inches in length and if, after crawling forward under the plant, you reverse back out and pass the corncob to the next competitor.

The Lunch Special

You will need: Lettuce; Tomato
Instructions: Apply lettuce and tomato to boil-ridden flesh
Note: The archive includes a separate cure in which bacon is pressed against the skin, so if you want take the extra step to go full on BLT, it probably couldn’t hurt.

Capricorn’s Pedicure

You will need: Goat; Nail Clippers; Scraper; Water
Instructions: Clip goat’s toenails; Scrape toenails; Ingest toenails and water

“Some Pig! …Also, This Looks Infected. Maybe Consult An Actual Medical Doctor.”

You will need: Spider Web
Instructions: Wrap boils in spider web
Note: If you’re going to seek direct spider assistance, you’ll want to learn to differentiate between Charlotte, the Shelobs and Tony Shalhoub, whose webs are carcinogenic.

It’s Not Like He’s Doing Anything Else…

You will need: A Nearby Wake Honoring A Person Scheduled To Be Buried The Following Day
Instructions: Attend wake; Approach corpse; Ask the corpse to take the evil with him; Leave without talking to any other attendees