Each week, Weird Things’ own Matt Finley breaks down one of the oddest elements of our culture in a feature we call Monster Of The Week. This week we focus on the Slit-Mouth Demon of Japan. Monday we were introduced to the world’s worst Butterface.

Popular folktales are just that – popular. And they belong to the populace in a way that few other types of media ever will. Like in any game of telephone, these whispered stories are just one subversive tongue away from being notably and untraceably altered. If parents can use fictions to manipulate a child’s fears to form a sort of behavioral corral, the child can use fiction to build a ladder over the fence or, better yet, smash the beams entirely. One kid says something; a few more repeat it, and pretty soon you’ve got mobs of little Asian children pelting hotties with Pocky. Or, at least, that’s what you get in the case of Kuchisake-onna. While smirking mothers berated their children with threats of slice-and-dicement at the scissor-wielding hands of the grinning curfew enforcement proxy, the children were spreading rumors that a defensively thrown stick of Pocky proves perfectly sufficient in warding off the hungry snippers of ol’ Slit-gob McCutty. No Pocky on hand? Don’t worry. There are plenty more head-scratching Kuchisake-onna evasion techniques.

Blood Ruby

This is less a defensive technique than a befuddling rewrite of the whole story. In this version of the Kuchisake-onna legend, a person who answers, “Yes.” to the mutilated woman’s gash-flashing second query is handed a giant, blood-soaked ruby. I guess because kids are so nutty about their precious stones. Just make sure to wash it off before setting it in the eye socket of a cursed pirate skull. Also to make sure that it isn’t just a blood-soaked Ring Pop.

Confusion

This is a strategy that could only come from the Pocky-crusted mind of a grumbling, apathetic adolescent: In response to Kuchisake-onna’s maskless “Do you think I’m beautiful now?” simply reply, “You’re so-so” (in the seventies, when teens still exhibited a modicum of verbal competency, it was, “You’re average looking.”) The response will cause the insane monster to pause and think for a moment, giving you the opportunity to sprint away, or else trudge hollowly onward, burdened as you are by the soul shackles of your drone parents’ suburban conformity deathstyle. A more recent variation of this same strategy claims that you can tell Kuchisake-onna that you’re late to a previous engagement, and she’ll apologize for her rudeness and let you pass, unscathed (this also works with sharks).

Do the do

This variation’s a mixed bag – it spares your life, and you don’t have part with any of your crunchy snacks, but you also don’t get a fat gem smeared all over with someone else’s blood, and you have to wear Pomade. Because Kuchisake-onna hates the smell of Pomade. But, then, so do most ghosts. That’s why licensed parapsychologists call it “exorjism.”

Find four more SURE FIRE ways to avoid mutilation at the hands of the Slit-Mouth Woman AFTER THE JUMP…
Try the Stairs

Here’s a Kuchisake-onna addendum that will be heartily embraced by any large-breasted, underpant-clad co-ed who, while mourning the sudden deaths of her 2 to 5 other attractive friends, has had to flee a distinctive-mask-wearing, knife-brandishing serial killer: The slit-mouthed woman can’t ascend beyond the second floor of a building. So, when this monster chases you, by all means run up the stairs, toward the wood-and-plaster convergence of every possible dead end. For the first time ever, the joke will be on the people yelling at the screen.

Blood Type Cast

Perhaps stemming from Japanese beliefs that associate blood types with astrology, or perhaps stemming from a cocky punk with Type O blood and a flare for storytelling, one version of the tale attests that Kuchisake-onna has difficulty chasing down people with Type O blood. In the Japanese blood type personality rubric, Type O blood is often linked to vanity – Kuchisake-onna’s primary flaw. How crazy Is that? I mean, in real life, it’s probably just a coincidence. But on “Breaking Bad,” it would be, like, the physical manifestation of some deep moral conundrum. I don’t know what it would be on “Damages” because I still haven’t watched that show. Based on what I hear, though, it would probably be pretty cool.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

File this one under “L” for “Last Resort.” Face Kuchisake-onna, say “garlic” three times, draw the character for “dog” on your palm, show her the palm and yell, “HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Apparently this repels her or something. Maybe she’s too polite to slay the retarded. Maybe it reminds of her childhood, when everything was simpler and her face wasn’t awful and she and her friends would just sit around for hours, talking about garlic, drawing crap on their hands and shouting “HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Either way, cross-file this one under “P” for “Pick Up Lines.”

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