Jason has killed a lot of folks with a lot of different tools. His victims may wonder, “Who is this man? And why is he murdering me?” Meanwhile, we the viewers want to know, “What is that tool he’s using? And what’s its history?”

Wonder no longer.

Today: Fireplace Poker

As used by Jason in: Friday the 13 Part III; Friday the 13th (2009)

Victim(s): Chili; Officer Lund

The history of man’s dominion over every non-shark thing on Earth hinges upon one thing: the creation of fire. It’s what sets humans apart from the firemen. After discovering the three elements needed to make fire (oxygen, an ignition source, a police car), man created three additional elements to maintain that fire – the spade, the tongs and the poker. The poker is used to push and pull logs around so as to moderate and distribute the fire’s airflow. If we compare the power structure of these three tools to that of an animal crime fighting team where there’s a lizard that can teleport, a dog that can push and pull flaming logs around and an eagle that can fire a gun with its beak, the poker is most like the eagle because it’s the leader of the team. If we compare the abilities of the tools to those of the same team, I guess the poker’s more like the dog, though I don’t see why the Eagle couldn’t just shoot the logs into place.

TRUTH BUSTERS TRUE CRIME ATTACK! In 2008, 71-year-old realtor Ann Nelson was beaten unconscious with a fireplace poker and then burnt to death. Her killer, Illinoisan sex offender James Hole, received life in prison. BOOM! That’s a justice sandwich with Coke and a side for just $4.95. No napkins, extra mayo. (Sound of jail door closing.)

Did you call my firestick a stoker? More True Crime Attacks! AFTER THE JUMP…

Some people call a poker a “stoker,” which comes from the term “stoked,” an adjective one uses to describe his or her feeling of excitement while waiting for the lights to go down at a Poison concert. Other people call it a “firestick.” These are the same people who call the television a “picture box” and a sandwich a “food whatever.” The first pokers used by the cavemen were their big, stupid hands. Next they tried to use a long wooden stick, but then the scene panned out and we saw that the stick was actually a dinosaur’s tail and the the dinosaur glared at the cavemen and the cavemen sheepishly smiled and put down the tail and a wacky chase ensued. Finally, one caveman in lab coat invented metal, thus paving the way for the modern fireplace poker. Some pokers only have a poking end for pushing. Some only have a hook end for pulling. Others have both a pokey bit and a hooky bit, giving them the ability to reproduce in the wild. Jeff Goldblum – we owe you a Diet Sierra Mist.

TRUTH BUSTERS TRUE CRIME ATTACK! In 2005, Pvt. Timothy Parker fought and killed Spc. Piotr Szczypka. The prosecution alleged the Szczypka was done in by a fireplace poker, but the coroner testified that his death was most likely caused by powerful punch to the skull. BOOM! That’s a free 14-day trial of conflicting forensic evidence with no obligation to join. And we’re gonna send you a tote bag. (Sound of jail door closing.)

While poor people diddled their dying embers with bent metal poles and ad hoc stoker’s made from their own amputated bones, rich folks designed elaborate custom pokers to match the architecture and decorative schemes of their palatial homes. Belgian Lords prodded burning hops using glass pokers filled with beer. French Ladies shuffled piles of cigarettes with giant pewter baguettes. Even King of Sky told Earth Mother send rock stick for stir moon fire. During the 1730s, some noble English families commissioned gold-inlayed ivory pokers carved to imitate the simple human bone pokers used by many destitute cripples. It wasn’t until 1898 that an affordable set of fireplace tools was mass produced for consumer purchase. The three-piece collection, manufactured in Missouri by the RL Hendrickson Manufacturing Company, sold for $1. Today, an original Hendrickson set sells at auction for upwards of $3,500. This is because the handles were made from pure cocaine, and were originally intended to double as drink stirrers.

TRUTH BUSTERS TRUE CRIME ATTACK! In 2007, Arkansas native Randall Lacy attacked and killed 47-year-old Randall Walker. Lacy confessed to slitting Walker’s throat after beating and stabbing him with a fireplace poker. Lacy was sentenced to death. BOOM! That’s an Arkansas conviction prize pack! 4 sun visors, 2 tickets to Six Flags, a $35 gift certificate to Chile’s, and a mystery prize that we can’t reveal, but I’ll give you a hint… IT’S A 2010 TOYOTA COROLLA! Swedish Fish for the kids! (Sound of jail door closing.)

Thank you, Jason, for helping us learn through murder.

Join me again soon for another thrilling installment of Jason Vorhees’ Arsenal!

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