Jason has killed a lot of folks with a lot of different tools. His victims may wonder, “Who is this man? And why is he murdering me?” Meanwhile, we the viewers want to know, “What is that tool he’s using? And what’s its history?”

Wonder no longer.

Today: Meat Cleaver

As used by Jason in: Friday the 13th Part 3; Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter; Friday the 13th: A New Beginning

Victim(s): Harold; Jimmy; Junior Hubbard, Ethel Hubbard, Jake

A cleaver is a big square knife. (Not square like the kid who sits behind you and talks about taking his guinea pig on vacation with him; square like the head of the kid in front of you who has a giant square head and everyone calls him “nipple finger” because, also, one of his fingers is all messed up and looks like a nipple.) Staring at a meat cleaver, you might think “Don’t cut me with that! It looks sharp!” To which I would reply, “Actually, it’s rather blunt. Cleavers aren’t like most kitchen knives, which are made from very hard steel and designed to gently, but precisely, slice. Cleavers are made from soft steel and designed to violently chop, using the power put behind the knife to forcefully propel the blade through sinew and bone.” “Okay, okay!” you’d reply, “Just please don’t cut me, mister!” “Then shut your mouth and hand over the emerald spider” I’d yell. Then you’d toss me the emerald spider and I’d return it to the museum and you’d escape from the police but then die from the Curse of the Emerald Spider. And as you died, you’d whisper “Ugh! I’ve been killed by ‘the Curse of the Emerald Spider’” because people like it when characters say the title of the movie.

STORY TIME! (Cleavers appear throughout Zen Chinese lore) Once upon time, an unskilled knifesmith was watching a professional butcher cut up ox carcasses. “How do you do that?” he asked the butcher, to which the butcher replied, “Instead of cutting through the bones, I cut between the bones.” “No, I meant the way you’re sitting.” The first man replied. “Oh. I’m quadruple jointed.” HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Speaking of China, many stupid gringos refer to a Chinese chef’s knife as a “Chinese cleaver.” I guess they look sort of similar… IF YOU’RE RETARDED! The Chinese chef’s knife has the same thin structure as a general-purpose American kitchen knife, and is primarily used to cut vegetables or boneless meats. The reason for this is China’s exorbitant bone tax. By the time animals are mature enough to be slaughtered for food, they’ve already paid most of their bones to the government in order to avoid being killed for sexual pleasure by jailed sex criminals who receive delinquent animals in exchange for good behavior. The amorphous, obstacle-free structure of dutiful taxpayers makes mass food production easier, and also reduces transportation costs by ensuring that livestock can be stuffed into, and blown through, pneumatic tubing. Meanwhile, the government has a steady supply of animal bones for their secret project. (Some people think it’s a skeleton boat.)

STORY TIME! (Cleavers appear throughout Zen Chinese lore) Once upon a time, a frustrated peasant asked Confucius to explain why the philosopher was always discouraging commoners from emulating the habits of the wealthy. Confucius responded, “Why use an ox-cleaver to carve a chicken?” “Because I’m effing poor,” responded the peasant, “and I can’t afford a good chicken knife.” “Then I shall make you a chicken knife by pulling metals out of the Earth and shaping them with my mind, like how Magneto makes his chicken knives in X-Men.” All Confucius asked in exchange for the knife was a chicken dinner, but the man refused and so Confucius wrapped him up in synthetic webbing, explaining, “This is like in Spiderman.” HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Try crushing a bunch of garlic cloves with the flat side of a hard, slicing knife.

Whoops! The blade cracked. That was your parents’ best knife! It cost, like, $200! What were you thinking?! It’s from William Sonoma. That means it was the Pre-Jay-Z-boycott Cristal of knives! You are in so much trouble! Oh my God!

But wait… hold my hand and with one lick of my Time Patch…

We’re back before you broke the knife. Now – try crushing a bunch of garlic cloves with the flat side of a cleaver.

Look at that! The softer steel and wide shape of the cleaver blade makes it perfect for crushing things. Whoops! You’re parents were saving that garlic for their turn on neighborhood vampire patrol tomorrow. I guess they’re going to get turned into vampires and then come back here and kill you and you’re sisters.

Sorry, I only have one more lick before the Time Patch runs out and I want to be able to see Spoon twice without having to drive all the way to Boston. Yeah, no, they’re awesome live.

STORY TIME! (Cleavers appear throughout Zen Chinese lore) Once upon a time, a taxpaying pig slid all the way to the Chinese capitol and asked the Duke of China what the government was doing with all of his bones, “Secret project.” Replied the Duke. “And the bones of my family?” asked the pig. “Secret project.” Replied the Duke. “And the bones of my friends?” “Secret project.” “And the bones of my enemies?” asked the pig. The Duke put placed his hands on his hips. “We put those in a big hole and spit on them for fun. And pee on them.” “Oh.” Said the pig, smiling, and painfully slid away. Later, one of the Duke’s closest aides asked the Duke, “Why did you lie to that pig and tell him that his enemies’ bones didn’t go to the secret project?” To which the Duke replied, “Because I wanted him to leave. Duh! It was, like, a strategy. That pit thing sounds pretty good, though. Get some people on that. I wanna pee on some bones.” HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

Thank you, Jason, for helping us learn through murder.

Join me again soon for another thrilling installment of Jason Vorhees’ Arsenal!

Twitter this