Jason has killed a lot of folks with a lot of different tools. His victims may wonder, “Who is this man? And why is he murdering me?” Meanwhile, we the viewers want to know, “What is that tool he’s using? And what’s its history?”

Wonder no longer.

Today: Speargun

As used by Jason in: Friday the 13th Part 3; Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Victim(s): Vera Sanchez; Paul

Spears don’t just throw themselves. And why should you have to do it?! A speargun puts you a single drunken trigger nudge away from the zesty satisfaction that comes from shooting a spear at something. Some spearguns have a small buoy attached to the spear. After you shoot a big, stupid fish, this buoy helps subdue it, and lets other boat captains know that there might be a diver in the water retrieving a subdued fish. If a boat captain runs over a spearfishing diver, PETA gives him a chocolate chip cookie. In the 1960s, all the spearfishermen got together like in The Warriors and tried to have spearfishing added to the Olympics like in Spearfishing Bronze: Austria’s Shame, starring Robert Patrick. Unfortunately, nobody could dig it.

RAD LIB! In the [adjective] movie [porno title], James [formal contract to repay borrowed money with interest at fixed intervals] used a speargun to [verb] a bunch of SPECTRE [plural noun], and also probably to [verb] a woman’s [noun] for, like, [number larger than 17] hours.

European speargun users traditionally prefer rear-handle spearguns. American speargun users traditionally prefer mid-handle spearguns. Every speargun users puts a blonde wig on his speargun before taking it into the bedroom. South African speargun designers have improved upon speargun design by doing something with a rail or something. Anyway, speargun users were happy about it because the rail is scratch-and-sniff and comes in hot cinnamon roll or cherry bubble gum. A lot of people get spearguns confused with harpoon guns. Spear gun users make fun of these people, so if you have any doubts, just call it a fish popper. If you’re fish popper’s mounted to the boat, though, it’s probably a harpoon gun.

RAD LIB! After [your name] Bond gave [female senator] the biggest [type of orgasm] since the [period of the Cenozoic era], Bond meets with [letter of the alphabet], who gives him a [noun] that turns into a [animal], a [marital aid] that’s actually a [sex toy] and a [racial slur] that explodes when you [swear word] him.

Look up in the sky. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s… a plane. It’s a plane. In 1994, FedEx employee Auburn Calloway sneaked spearguns into the future. Air spears! Calloway, who was facing dismissal from his job after a supervisor discovered some half-truths on his resume (he was actually Bruce Wayne’s in-house chocolatier’s apprentice), boarded a FedEx flight with hammers, a grudge and a speargun and set about hijacking the plane in the name of life insurance fraud. Fortunately, the swarthy crewmates managed to subdue Calloway with help from the buoy attached to the spear. Or they just beat the crap out of him, landed the plane and called the police. Either way, PETA gave everyone macadamia nut cookies. Except Calloway, obviously. No cookie for Calloway.

RAD LIB! Finally, [cereal mascot] used the speargun to [past tense verb] the head of [clever acronym] in his [adjective] [synonym for wiener]. Then he [past tense verb] 6 [plural type of storage container] of [imaginary creature that isn’t a griffin] blood and invented a new sex position called Amazon [construction vehicle] [predatory mammal] [type of natural disaster].
Thank you, Jason, for helping us learn through murder.

Join me again soon for another thrilling installment of Jason Vorhees’ Arsenal!

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