Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

Today’s ailment: Hiccups

The Homestead Thievery Gambit

You will need: 1 Convincing Accuser

Instructions: Have convincing accuser accuse hiccupper of stealing money “on a farm.”

The Nurturing Satanist

You will need: 1 Right Index Finger (yours); 1 Left Shoe (worn); 1 Accurate Clock; Functioning Salivary Ducts

Instructions: At the stroke of midnight, stand next to hiccupper’s bed, wet right index finger with saliva and draw shape of cross on left shoe. Recite Lord’s Prayer backwards three times.

(Note: also results in summoning of bog imp)

The Cute Little Heart-Breaker

You will need: An open mind

Instructions: Have hiccupper imagine a fox without imagining the fox’s tail.

IMPORTANT: This is very different from the vomit induction trick of imagining a fox without a tail.

The Anonymous Tumbler

You will need: 1 Paper Bag; 1 Grassy Hill

Instructions: Place paper bag over hiccuppers head; Have hiccupper roll down grassy hill

Note: Using a paper bag with a “dizzy face” drawn on it will neither improve nor hinder this method’s results. I repeat: it will not hinder this method’s results.

The Acrid Flavor of Death (AKA The “Needs Salt” Method)

You will need: The ability to discern the center of a graveyard; A graveyard

Instructions: Have hiccupper place dirt collected from the grave nearest a cemetery’s center on his/her tongue.

The Dent in the Breadbox

You will need: A strong right jab

Instructions: Punch hiccupper in the stomach

The Huey Lewis-Endorsed Power of Love Cure

You will need: to be pretty damned certain hiccupper isn’t as lonely as he/she looks.

Instructions: Have hiccupper picture a person of the opposite sex who loves him/her

Caution: May result in existential crisis

Bug Sack

You will need: Live Pill Bugs; Small Sack; Twine

Instructions: Place pill bugs in sack; Using twine, tie sack around hiccuppers neck

Note: Most effective on prom night

The Improvising Satanist

You Will Need: Two Black Candles; Matches or Lighter; 1 Wet Noodle

Instructions: Light both candles; drape noodle between hiccuper’s eyes

(note: also results in summoning of meatball orc)

The Wait, What?! No. I’m Not Doing That. That… That’s… No. Method

You will need: 1 Alligator

Instructions: Have hiccupper rub gator’s belly.