Let the kids have their evil sewer tunnels and drunken graveyard reveries. Adults have bigger things to worry about. Like giant Soviet drills. And how the giant Soviet drills are tunneling through the Earth and into hell, where the howling souls of the damned are torn apart, set on fire, sewn back together and covered in bees.

In 1989, as the decade stumbled to a close, Trinity Broadcasting Network (TBN), America’s Christian television goliath, reported that, according to a Finnish science journal, a Soviet deep drilling experiment had accidentally tunneled all the way to Satan’s doorstep. More than that, the shocked scientists, who watched as the drill’s temperature sensors peaked out at an extra spicy 1,100 °C, tossed a microphone down the pit and recorded a nature sounds tape worthy of a sleepless Ozzy – the noises of hell. And nothing bunches evangelical panties like the desperate wailings of the damned. (Truthfully, the recording sounds more like the pipe-and-tile-echoed rumpus at a particularly rowdy rest stop glory hole.) Some viewers were terrified, declaring it the end of times. Others were outraged, declaring it a hoax. One viewer – a puckish Norwegian tourist named Guy Rendalan – was bemused to the point of action.

As Baby New Year 1990 filled his diaper with optimistic tidings, TBN continued their coverage of the 9-mile hole to Hades, claiming that over 2,000 individuals had converted to Christianity after hearing of the chasm’s existence. This seemingly random numerical figure, which was offered during a January 29 broadcast, came with another revelation – in addition to the Finnish coverage, the network had a fully translated hard copy of a Norwegian paper’s hell drill article, which contained even more shocking details. A giant bat creature flew out of the hole! The words “I Have Conquered” were burned into the Siberian sky! The Soviet government was administering amnesia pills to everyone who witnessed the incident! This article, along with the helpful translation, had been sent directly to TBN by our impish pal Guy Rendalan.

“None of it is true. I fabricated every word of it!” explained Rendalan during an interview with TruthorFiction.com’s Rich Buhler. Rendalan, who, during his trip to America, was gob-smacked by the serious coverage of the ridiculous story, sent the article (which was actually about a community building inspector) and fake translation to TBN just see whether the network’s fact checking practices were really as, well, non-existent as they seemed.

And… they were.

As for the original article from that anonymous Finnish “science journal” – debunkers eventually tracked it backed to a Christian magazine called “Ammennusastia,” which was merely summarizing a similar story from a different Finnish paper. That paper, “Etela Soumen,” had printed its hell hole piece in a grab bag letters-from-readers section. From there, the trail continues. Savvy debunkers have sweated this paper chase all the way to a dead end at another Christian newspaper, “Jewels of Jericho,” out of f***ing California, USA.

In the end, the drill to hell is a story of doubt. The imagined fires and staged screams of that non-existent abyss suggested proof of the dark side of an afterlife that even TBN bible thumpers occasionally questioned. Why go to such stunning lengths to ignore the truth unless the lie – unattractive as it is – offers something more satisfying than integrity or credibility? In other words, unless the lie offers confirmation of an even deeper, more bibley truth. Who would’ve thought that the gaps in people’s faith could be briefly filled in by a cavernous hole?

Or that that hole would simultaneously give everyone else a sound recording packed with metal album hidden track potential.

Friday: Shipwrecked in the East River – the Real Hell Gate

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