Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

TODAY’S AILMENT: Toothache

Kermit’s Undoing

You will need: 1 Frog

Instructions: Spit on frog

Note: This method transfers the toothache to the frog, so maybe use a frog that committed a crime or something.

Less Achin’, More Coffin

You will need: Coffin Nails

Instructions: Pick afflicted tooth with coffin nails

The Chompy Botanist

You will need: The First Fern of Spring

Instructions: Bite the first fern of spring

Note: This cure also prevents the return of the toothache for an entire year. Use the time to finish your novel about the serial killer who’s killing one member of every pair of identical twins in Reno.

The Banal Misdemeanor

You Will Need: Stealth

Instructions: Steal a dishrag; Bury the dishrag

The Prestidigitator’s Secret

You Will Need: Pen; Paper; 1 Kindly Magician

Instructions: Have magician write secret message on paper; Carry magician’s message forever

Warning: DO NOT READ THE MAGICIAN’S MESSAGE. Toothache will return. Also, the message is extremely racist.

The Sacred Pendant of OINK!

You will need: 1 Length of String; 1 Bone from Hog’s Head

Instructions: Tie pig bone to string; Wear string around neck

The Glue Factory Special

You Will Need: Intermediate Knowledge of Equine Anatomy; Beginner’s Knowledge of Equine Anatomical Vocabulary; Hoof-like Substance from a Horse’s Inner Foreleg

Instructions: Shave hoof-like substance from horse; Pack substance into hollows of afflicted tooth

The Lazy Masochist

You Will Need: A straight face

Instructions: Trust in God.

“I’m Finally Getting Some Use Out of this Thing!”

You Will Need: A Mule’s Skeleton

Instructions: Touch the mule’s skeleton

Note: Like you mean it. Touch it like you mean it.

His Cure Friday (A Toothache Prevention Method)

You Will Need: Nail clippers

Instructions: Trim fingernails on a Friday; Read magician’s message