In which I add a wholly unnecessary narrative spin to the satisfying, straight-forward conclusion of a film.

Today: “The Thing”

Childs and MacReady eyeball each other as they drink adult beverages in the flaming wreckage of the Antarctic research station. “So…” starts MacReady, “Are you the thing?” Childs look down toward his feet with the ambivalence of a kid glancing down at a balloon with a sad picture on it. “No.” he says, “You?” MacReady just shrugs. “Maaaaaaybe…” Childs looks up and begins backing away. MacReady makes google eyes, lifts his non-drinking hand and wiggles his fingers in an oogity-boogity gesture, then quickly reverts his countenance backs to its default manly pout and says, “Just kidding. I’m not the thing.” Both men stare at each other. Behind them, a piece of lab equipment explodes. Neither man breaks eye contact with the other. Cut to close up on the bearded intensity of MacReady’s soot-streaked mug. Cut to close up on the unapologetic forcefulness of Childs’ rugged aspect. Cut between the two close ups, faster and faster, until the men’s faces seem to morph together into the surly visage of some hard-nosed alcoholic backwoods jazz colonel.

Cut to wide shot of a super-giant space ship screaming down onto the frozen continent. The roaring inferno engulfing the lab looks like a single ignited match when compared to the sheer bed-crapping immensity of the interstellar megacraft descending toward it. There are lots of flashing lights and intense “bleep bloop” noises.

Cut back to Childs and MacReady, who first look up at the ship, then at each other, then at the ship again, then back at each other. As they look at each other the last time, they exclaim, in unison, “Uh-Oh!”

Cut to a reverse shot framing the bottom of the space ship between the panicked men’s men’s heads. A metal gangplank descends from the craft and a weird alien that looks like a human-sized koala in a shock wig and pied jogging suit steps out onto the ice. Childs and MacReady look at it, then at each other, then back at it, then back at each other. “UH-OH!” they shriek. The alien stops a few feet from the men’s men, stomps both its feet and asks, “Why are you on our planet?” MacReady stares back at the alien and intones, “Your planet?! This is our planet!” The alien looks taken aback and bewildered and weird. “No!” he hollers, “You flew through a wormhole, came to our planet, built a base right on top of our thing farm and then started illegally mining our precious thing!”

“Look, we’re really sorry. We thought it was our thing… and if it makes you feel any better, we didn’t even really want it!” says Macready. “Yeah!” offers Childs, “it was killing us even!” The alien crosses his arms over his chest. “Well, okay… but the penalty is still death… except for the bearded one. He’s the thing… our thing.” Childs whips his head over and glares at MacReady. “But you said…” “Hey!” MacReady interjects, “What do you want? I’m the damn thing.”

Cut to close up on Childs’ face. Childs shrugs and remarks, “uh-oh.” Roll Credits.