Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine

Today’s ailment: Indigestion

The Belly Button Breathalyzer

You will need: Brandy; 1 drinker of brandy.

Instructions: Have brandy drinker swallow a mouthful of his/her favorite brandy; Immediately have brandy drinker blow onto your tummy; Repeat as desired by brandy drinker.

The Triple Threat

You will need: 1 small piece of a willow tree; 1 little chunk of misc. bone; 1 slice of an animal’s pelt.

Instructions: Eat willow fragment, bone shard and pelt niblet.

Note: This cure is most effective in children.

The Pit Snort

You will need: 1 musty armpit.

Instructions: Heartily inhale the armpit’s vaporous must.

That’ll Do, Pig

You will need: 1 serving of pig excrement.

Instructions: Eat pig excrement.

Note: Tummy aches are caused by an unnatural cooling of the stomach. Swine droppings help to dial the gastrointestinal thermostat back up to a healthy swelter.

The Ad Hoc Pie-Hole Surveyor

You will need: 1 thumb (yours); 1 mouth (yours).

Instructions: Using the thumb as a ruler, measure the length and width of your mouth; Repeat 5x.

Gizzard Dander Num-Nums

You will need: 1 chicken gizzard.

Instructions: Separate gizzard lining from gizzard; Dry gizzard lining; Powder gizzard lining; Eat gizzard lining.

Note: Also effective with carrier pigeon gizzard.

The Rock and Walk

You will need: 1 large open space; 1 rock.

Instructions: Approach rock; Bend over; Flip rock; Straighten up; Walk forward without ever looking back.

Note: It’s imperative that you don’t look back.

That’ll Do, Horse

You will need: 1 shirt with tails; 1 serving horse dung; 1 available heating surface; 1 tight-lipped companion (pref. owes you money).

Instructions: Have companion secretly sneak horse leavings into your shirt tail; have companion secretly remove horse leavings from shirt tail; Have companion thoroughly cook horse leavings; eat horse leavings.

The Head over Heels

You will need: The ability to somersault.

Instructions: Somersault.

…and then the Faint Odor of Smoke

You will need: ½ Tsp. Gun Powder

Instructions: Eat gunpowder.