In which I, Weird Thign Cultural Researcher Matt Finley, add a wholly unnecessary narrative spin to the satisfying, straight-forward conclusion of a film.

Today: Twist Minis

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre – As Leatherface does his frustrational chainsaw-swingin’ twirly dance, the film suddenly freezes, the still image of the cannibalistic transvestite slowly pixelating and breaking down into blackness. Something beeps. Suddenly the blackness seems to lift away as we see a POV shot of two strong hands pulling stylish virtual reality glasses away from the screen. The hands belong to a middle-aged man with kind eyes and an “I’m really tired, but I also just drank some delicious hot cocoa” half smile. The camera cuts from the POV shot and we see that the through-the-glasses point of view was that of a sickly adolescent girl in a hospital bed. The man touches her IV-infused hand and says, “See, honey? That’s adulthood. Now do you understand why it’s almost better that you got sick?” The girl nods. Roll credits.

Alien – As the Alien spirals out into space, smash cut to sweat-drenched alien sitting up in bed. An alien next to him stirs and mumbles, “Is something wrong, honey?” The first alien catches its breath and replies, “I just had a nightmare where I was blown out of a spaceship by a horrific alien.” “You know,” says the other alien, “to an alien, you would look like an alien.” Before the first alien can reply, he begins choking and a human baby bursts out of his chest. Acid blood sizzles in the dark air. Smash cut to sweat-drenched predator sitting up in bed. A predator next to him mumbles, “Is something wrong, honey?” “I just had the funniest f***ing dream!” chuckles the first predator. Roll Credits.

Jurassic Park – As the helicopter gracefully banks toward the sunset, the camera tracks back through the aircraft, moving past the passengers and up into the cockpit, where it zooms in on the pilot, who’s a dilophosaurus. It deploys its neck fan. Roll credits.

The Shining – Cut to Grady and the bartender drinking scotch in the ballroom. “Wow.” Says the bartender, “I think that went really well.” Grady frowns pensively and replies, “Yeah… but I’m still not clear on how it’s supposed to make us rich…” The bartender freaks. “Dammit! I knew I forgot something.” He punches the bar top and shouts, “Well, how soon can we get another family in here with an unhinged dad and a kid who has the shining?” Grady shakes his head. “At least a couple months.” “Well… set it up, I guess.” The bartender says, shaking his head, “and this next time… this next we’re gonna get so rich!” They clink glasses. “So rich!” Roll credits.

Twitter this