Since this edition of The Twist, in which Matt Finley adds a wholly unnecessary narrative spin to the satisfying, straight-forward conclusion of a film. features SPOILERS to a movie that is still in theaters we are putting the entire post AFTER THE JUMP. In case this is not clear, AFTER THE JUMP there are SPOILERS about the movie Avatar.

In which I add a wholly unnecessary narrative spin to the satisfying, straight-forward conclusion of a film.

Today: James Cameron’s “Avatar” (Spoilers)

As Jake Sully untangles his newly permanent Na’vi body from the ravel of soul transference branches, Neytiri and Tsu’Tay steal off behind the Tree of God Magic and enter a concealed underground passage. Cut to a giant cave beneath the Tree of Religious Significance. Neytiri and Tsu’Tay talk as they jump down a series of day-glo rock steps that are covered in shrimp-like blossoms and end in a large circular chamber directly below the center of the Tree of the Wind-Heart. (subtitled) “Many of our tribal family have gone to join Eywa, but we managed to drive away the sky people.” “Yes, and more importantly, we now have the tamed Toruk and docile humans needed for the ceremony.” The two Na’vi arrive at the central chamber, where a third Na’vi is wrapped up and suspended in the roots of the Tree of Infinite Specialness. Tsu’Tay tugs on one of the roots and the cocooned Na’vi suddenly disentangles and drops to the ground. The iridescent spot where he lands looks suspiciously similar to a joint-smoking alien in a Dr. Seuss hat.

Cut to the human’s spaceship. Parker Selfridge is preparing to enter his stasis chamber when suddenly his eyes roll back in his head and he collapses to the floor. Camera fades back in on the anonymous Na’vi’s face. The Na’vi looks up at Neytiri and Tsu’Tay. (subtitled) “Brother! Sister! I’m so glad to have my mind freed from that pasty, impotent cage!” Tsu’Tay replies: “Yes. Impressive dream walking, zobo’tam. The humans did not even suspect it… even when you got all girly eyed over the unfortunate (but ultimately necessary in order to ensure that Jake Sully would master the Toruk) felling of Home Tree.”

Cut back to the surface, where Norm and Dr. Patel have been bound to giant stakes. A team of Na’vi are dragging the Sully-pacified Toruk toward the prisoners, who are crying all over their freshly peed pants. “Why are you doing this?” Norm wails. “For Eywa!” shouts one Na’vi. The others respond in chorus, “FOR EYWA!” “Well, I think Eywa’s a mean, old jerk!” Norm yells. “Yeah!” agrees a bawling Dr. Patel.

Cut back to the base of the Tree of Every Day is Earth Day, where Jake Sully still can’t get his legs untangled from the glowing vines. “Stupid vines.” he mutters, giving his legs a futile wiggle.

Cut back to the sacrificial rite. Neytiri and Tsu’Tay approach the bound Earthlings and chop off the tops of their skulls with giant spear axes. “Feast, mighty Toruk!“ hollers Tsu’Tay. The Na’vi drop their ropes and the Great Leonopteryx advances forward and slurps out the dead humans’ brains. Tsu’Tay immediately forms a mind link with the monster. “Now, through the mighty Toruk, I can access the humans’ memories, including instructions on how to build a nuclear bomb, which we will drop on America.” “For EYWA!” the Na’vi begin chanting. Pan out to show thousands of Na’vi all partying around the Tree of Proposed Carbon Taxation, which suddenly turns around and we realize that it’s an Ent.

The Ent winks at the camera. Roll credits.

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