Walk it Off – an abridged compendium of ye olde folk remedies and archaic antidotes culled from UCLA’s Archive of American Folk Medicine. These are real folk remedies. Seriously.

Today’s ailment: headache

Noose Cure

You will need: The rope used to hang a person (preferably the rope a person used to hang him or herself)

Instructions: Wrap hanging rope around head.

Note: This cure is also effective against the conditions resulting from headaches, such as grey hair and baldness.

Cold Water Rub

You will need: A dish of cold water

Instructions: Place hand in water; Rub wet hand over head; Shake hand dry; Repeat as necessary. IMPORTANT! – If hand is not entirely dry before re-wetting, the next rub will reinsert headache into head.

Rattlesnake Cure

You will need: 697 rattlesnake rattles, 1 hat.

Instructions: Place rattlesnake rattles inside of hat’s sweatband; Wear hat.

Cornbreads

You will need: Cornbreads

Instructions: Wear cornbreads

Pocket Nut Stroker

You will need: 1 nut (any type); Pants with pockets.

Instructions: Put on pocketed pants; Place nut in side pocket (either); Place hand in same side pocket as nut; Continuously stroke nut.

Ear Smoke

You will need: 1 tobacco smoker (including tobacco smoking paraphernalia)

Instructions: Have smoker exhale tobacco smoke into patient’s ears.

Half Bath

You will need: 1 barrel; 1 thermometer; water

Instructions: Heat or cool water to 40 degrees farenheit; Stand in barrel; Add water to barrel until water-level reaches hips; bathe (alternately, swap steps 2 and 3 after performing volumetric displacement calculation)

Water Fire Cure

You will need: 1 bowl of water; 1 drinking glass; 3 napkins; matches (or lighter)

Instructions: Balance water bowl on patient’s head; Insert napkins into drinking glass; Ignite napkins; Place fire glass upside-down in head bowl

Note: remedy also effective against victims of evil eye

Bone Snuff

You will need: 1 moldy human skull

Instructions: Dry skull moss; Powder skull moss; Inhale skull moss

Pig Scare

You will need: Practiced deliverer of grotesque over-reactions

Instructions: Have over-reactor tell patient that he/she should have his/her head removed and thrown to hogs

(Note: cure is only effective if patient becomes angry)