10 Sci-fi and horror movie commentary tracks I’d like to hear…

• Commentary on David Cronenberg’s “The Fly” by Harold Ramis, who went through a grotesque, Brundlefly transformation in real life.

• Commentary on “A Nightmare on Elm Street” by Nick Nolte, the only real person to have ever committed dream murder.

• Commentary on “Gremlins” by a confused Richard Dreyfuss, who was told he’d be recording commentary for “Krippendorf’s Tribe.”

• Commentary on “The Shining” by Benecio Del Toro, who will focus on his experiences sneaking that much blood into a hotel elevator.

• Commentary on “A New Hope” by David Prowse, who’s still mad that George Lucas cut out the entire Imperial pop-locking contest sequence.

• Commentary on “Alien” by Alan Arkin who, it turns out, has incredibly strong feelings about “that goddamned c***-sucking alien.”

• Commentary on “Dr. Giggles” by members the American Medical Association, who think it’s about time they stepped up and said something.

• Commentary on “Groundhog Day” by Danny Devito, whose own shadow is used to predict annual rainfall in America’s Grain Belt.

• Commentary on “Event Horizon” by Francis Ford Coppola. It’s just heavy sighs and muffled eating.

• Commentary on “Hellraiser” by God – “I always thought of humanity as a stepping stone on the way to ‘Hellraiser.’ At this point, I’m just keeping you guys around for those delightful straight-to-DVD sequels. I’d make them myself if my hands weren’t so damn big. Seriously, they’re like galaxies. And these HD cameras just keep getting smaller.”