“The Shining” makes you think: what is Jack Torrance worse at – writing, fatherhood or hotel maintenance? His novel is repetitive, he tries to murder his family and it’s only a matter of time before that brainstorming tennis ball of his knocks over a lamp. Still, he is under the influence of some tricksy ghosts who have evolved oogity-boogitying techniques that far exceed the paltry chain rattling, door slamming and Christmas time travel employed by their peers. Stupid ghosts could learn a lot from this film.

Pool Your Resources

There’s only so much one ghost can do – you’re in the ballroom saucing up the Jackster, and that’s all well and good, but who’s wigging out Danny while he scoots around on his Big Wheel? Maybe chat up those twin girls and see if they’ll tandem talk and make with some murder flashbacks. The spirits of the Overlook function like a big, expensive machine where each ghost is a vital mechanical component and all the components work together and the machine manufactures frowny-faced light bulbs (which represent homicidal ideations). Follow this example and “Make screamwork teamwork!” Then, make posters that they say that, sell them and give me half the money.

Human Weakness = Ghost Strength

Note that the ghosts of the Overlook transcend standard creak-and-boo haunting by exploiting Jack’s human flaws and moral weaknesses. Jack meets a random naked lady and starts making out with her – BUT SHE SUDDENLY TRANSFORMS INTO A HORRIFIC, DECAYING CRONE! Jack tosses back a few bourbons and enjoys a peaceful, stultifying drunk – BUT IT GRADUALLY TRANSFORMS INTO A MILD HANGOVER! Jack puts on Paul Thomas Anderson’s “Magnolia” in hopes of enjoying the interweaving storylines and overt biblical symbolism – BUT IT TRANSFORMS INTO PAUL W.S. ANDERSON’S “EVENT HORIZON”!

Can’t Scare Them? Confuse Them.

Just when the ghosts exhausted all their best tricks driving Jackie Boy bananas, his wife Wendy starts running around the hotel practically demanding to be haunted at. What’s left to do but show her a guy in a bear-dog costume blowing a butler? Never discount the power that abject befuddlement can exert over a distressed person. If you don’t believe that this works outside a Kubrick film, here’s a simple test you can try: go to a vacant hotel, dress up in a bear costume and blow the butler while Shelley Duvall is running past. Now, tell me she doesn’t look terrified.

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