A momentous addition to the slash-and-hack renaissance that defined ‘80s horror, the Friday the 13th series is a schlocky time capsule packed to bloatation with the music, style, hairdo(n’t)s and attitude that accessorized a decade that measured coolness in milligrams of coke snorted off keytars. Still, the sheer simplicity of it – the lumbering psychopath, the weaponized domestic ephemera, the everyman victims – begs the question: what simple changes can be made to the Friday the 13th franchise to create a piece of horror cinema that’s as resonant to x (where x = place, decade) as it is to America, 1980s?

Where x = Britain, 0050s

• Jason’s hockey mask is substituted with an animal mask.
• Re-edit so that each murder sacrifice is followed by time-lapse footage of corn and squash growing.
• Add new b-plot consisting entirely of still shots of the moon.

Where x = Germany, 1940s

• Jason’s hockey mask now boasts prominent stars and stripes.
• Setting changed from Camp Crystal Lake to concentration camp “Kristallsee.”
• Counselors should have fascist demeanor (use CG for this).
• Credits scroll over D-day footage.

Where x = Leaforia (formerly Canada), 3060s

• Add shot of ubiquitous and feared Capital Maple Leafs’ logo before opening credits.
• Add dialogue that scornfully refers to the victim’s as “rebels.”
• Replace Jason’s death scene with an official message from the Prime Manager promising generous rewards to any citizen who assists in bringing Hab sympathizers to justice.
• Add robots.

Where x = Detroit, 2000s

• Specify (through dubbed dialogue) that “forest” is actually remains of downtown.
• Add more Jasons.

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