Sure, they are evil but I doesn’t mean you couldn’t learn a thing or two from them. Matt Finley investigates The Upside of Evil.

The witches in the movie “The Witches” are conspiring to contaminate chocolate bars with a magic potion that turns people into mice, and then distribute the candy to children all over the world. And it’s not like the kids keyed the witches’ cars or prank called them and addressed them as “sizzle chest.” The witches just really hate kids. There is, however, a certain elegance in the way these wicked women conduct their evil work, and perhaps even some lessons to be learned.

Public Decorum Counts

The witches are hawk-nosed, rotten-toothed hags with bad skin and old lady hands. But, when they go out in public, they wear wigs and masks and admirably pass for zombie MILFs or obsolete cougars. They don’t don the disguises for themselves; they do it for the people around them, who don’t want to eyeball their gross witchiness. Everyone should try this. Wear clothes that are large enough to cover your back fat. Conceal your missing eye with a patch. If you have a prosthesis, wear it. Especially if you’re going to a restaurant. The only people who care about how you look are everyone around you.

Spread the Wealth

The free market only functions when everyone making money is also spending it. The witches seem to have untold quantities of ill-gotten dollars and conjured hex pennies, which they could potentially amass and horde while surviving on food and blouse spells, and holding their big meetings in a buried pagan temple or haunted coffee shop. Instead, they take the whole coven to a resort hotel, where they eat lavish meals and rent out conference space. Let’s all take a cue from these horrible crones and shovel some cash into the flaming drunk driving accident that used be the economy.

Enjoy your Work

There are plenty of hateful SOBs who run around smacking kids and shaking babies, but it never seems like their hearts are really in it. Meanwhile, these witches invested time and money in advanced thaumatological chemistry to concoct a magic poison. To see the witches’ smiling faces as they dose unwitting children with their liquid mojo, and then realize, “hey, those c-words are at work right now.” is both joyful and refreshing. Try to channel their enthusiasm into your own work. Or, at the very least, into a song about your work. The song could be called “I’m Likin’ This Work!”

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